We have a friend and colleague who sings the praises of “intermittent fasting.” He eats nothing after dinner, and he skips breakfast. That means he “fasts” for 15-16 hours every day. My colleague insists that it makes him look and feel better, and lets him eat pretty much whatever he wants during his 8-9 hour eating period.
The last time he praised these eating habits, Mark told him, “We already practice intermittent fasting. It’s called Lent.”
In this week’s Gospel, Jesus goes into the desert for forty days, where he struggles with temptations. This experience fortified him for the mission to come. Many times throughout his mission, he again withdrew from people into penance and fasting as a way to strengthen and renew himself.
Following Jesus' example, the Church organizes its annual calendar as a cycle which moves from fasting and meditation, to feasts and celebration, to ordinary time and work. Fasts are times of contemplation and transformation. Feasts are times of celebration and thanksgiving. Together these prepare us for ordinary time, the time of work, of mission, and of vocation.
Our marital life will also benefit from these three elements. There is the ordinary time of work and family life, cooking, cleaning, and children’s activities. There are times of celebration--birthdays, anniversaries, Easter and Christmas. And there should be times of meditation, penance, and transformation.
Most families put a lot of work into holidays. We’re no exception. Early in our marriage, and especially after we had kids, we tried to keep the 12 Days of Christmas (Dec. 25-Jan. 5) as a family holiday period. It was quite a challenge in a society that wants the Christmas season to start after Halloween and end on New Year's Day. It is important to keep anniversaries and birthday celebrations as special times to celebrate your marriage and your family.
Ordinary time is the time to work on your marriage on a regular basis. Within the rhythms of work, leisure, and children’s activities, couples need to find opportunities to work on their marriages. In his book The Relationship Cure Dr. John Gottman cites research showing that small gestures of love and affection every day do far more to build marital success than occasional big gestures. Ordinary time is the time to engage in these small everyday gestures of affection and appreciation.
What is perhaps missing from many family calendars are times of fasting and meditation. When do we take time out from ordinary time, as a couple, to meditate on our marriage, commit to change and transformation, and to make resolutions for how we will be better as we re-enter ordinary time?
One solution is to plan an annual marriage retreat. While these can be expensive, there are many useful resources for planning your own marriage retreats. You can purchase do-it-yourself kits, or buy a book on creating your own retreat. Then rent a cabin for a weekend, or arrange a staycation at home, send the kids to their grandparents, and make it happen.
Another interesting approach is outlined in Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love (also by John Gottman) in which communication exercises are built into dates over several weeks rather than a single long weekend. Other components of relationship workshops such as trust building exercises could also be worked into this kind of sequential process.
The rhythm of fasting, feasting, and ordinary time reduces your everyday dependence on the things you desire, and reorients your attention to your spouse and your family and friends.
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