When You Feel Like You're the Only One Trying: A Path Forward in Marriage

As a marriage therapist, Dawna frequently encounters clients who sink into the chair in her office with exhaustion in their eyes and say some version of: "I'm so tired of being the only one who cares enough to try."

They've read books on relationships, suggested counseling, initiated date nights, and attempted countless conversations about improving their marriage. But while they seek greater intimacy, their spouse seems content with the status quo or responds with minimal effort. The weight of carrying the relationship's emotional labor by themselves has become crushing.

If this resonates with you, you're not alone. This pattern of unequal investment can lead to what some therapists are calling "relationship resignation"– that moment when you consider throwing in the towel on growth and settling for whatever crumbs of connection you can get.

"Beware that your hearts do not become drowsy…” Jesus warns us in this week's Gospel. It's a challenge to us not to settle for what we have but to continually strive to be for the better future to come. It's good advice not only for the Kingdom of God but for our marriages. So before you make the choice to settle, let's explore some alternative approaches that have helped other couples break through this barrier.

Understanding the Cycle

It's crucial to recognize that this dynamic often creates a self-reinforcing cycle:

You try harder → Your partner pulls back → You try even harder → They retreat further
Your resentment grows → Your efforts become tinged with anger → Your partner
becomes defensive
You feel increasingly alone → Your attempts to connect become desperate → Your
partner feels pressured

Three Strategies for Breaking the Pattern

1. Shift from Pushing to Inviting. When we're the more engaged partner, we often fall into the role of relationship catalyst – always pushing, suggesting, and initiating. While well-intentioned, this approach can paradoxically reduce our partner's motivation to engage. Instead:

Replace demands with invitations
Share vulnerably about your experience without blame
Create space for your partner to step forward

Challenge: Instead of saying "We need to talk about our relationship," try "I miss

feeling close to you. I'd love to hear your thoughts about what makes you feel most connected to me."

2. Focus on Your Own Growth While Staying Connected. It's tempting to either abandon all personal growth in frustration or to pursue it separately from your spouse. Consider instead:

Continue your personal development while keeping the door open for your partner
Share your growth journey with enthusiasm rather than criticism
Celebrate small moments of connection without demanding more
Maintain appropriate boundaries while remaining accessible

Challenge: Choose one area of personal growth that excites you. Share your enthusiasm with your partner without pressuring them to join. Notice if they become curious on their own and only then issue an invitation.

3. Redefine What "Trying" Looks Like. Often, we have a specific vision of what "working on the marriage" should look like – usually involving lots of deep conversations and structured activities. However, your partner might be investing in ways you're not recognizing:

Look for non-traditional forms of effort (Are they showing love through acts of service? Financial provision? Physical affection?)
Acknowledge and appreciate any positive investments, no matter how small
Consider whether your definition of "trying" needs broadening.

Challenge: For one week, keep a journal of ALL the ways your partner contributes to the

relationship, even things that seem small or "expected." You might be surprised by what you notice.

When to Hold On and When to Let Go

If you're considering settling for less than what you desire in your marriage, ask yourself these questions:

1. Are there signs of emotional abuse or neglect that I'm minimizing? Remember: There's a difference between accepting your partner as they are and accepting harmful patterns that erode your well-being.

2. Am I seeing any small movements toward growth from my partner, even if they're not as

dramatic as I'd like?

3. Have I clearly communicated my needs, or am I expecting my partner to read my mind?

4. What would "settling" actually cost me in terms of long-term happiness and fulfillment?

Moving Forward

The path forward rarely looks like either completely giving up or maintaining the same exhausting level of effort. Instead, consider:

Adjusting your expectations while maintaining healthy boundaries
Finding sustainable ways to invest in the relationship that don't deplete you
Building a support network outside your marriage
Working with a professional who can help you navigate this challenge

Most importantly, remember that feeling frustrated with unequal effort doesn't make you a bad partner. It makes you human. The goal isn't to stop caring about your marriage but to find a way to care that doesn't leave you emotionally bankrupt.

Your marriage deserves your energy, but so do you. The sweet spot lies in finding ways to

remain invested while protecting your emotional well-being. Sometimes, taking a step back

actually creates the space your partner needs to step forward.