What Do You Do When the Wine Runs Out? Rekindling Love in Long-Term Marriages

It happens in all marriages. The wine runs out. That heady effervescent feeling of love that brought you together, that passionate desire to be with one another as often as possible, fades over time. Career conflicts, the raising of children, illnesses, age... they all conspire to diminish our passion for our relationship. Passion makes way for pattern, rapture gives way to regimen. Marriage starts to feel less like an act of love and more like an institution in which we are trapped.

But marriage is not only a vocation--that is, a work. It is also a sacrament--a channel of grace. And just as Jesus was able to transform the water at the wedding in Cana into wine, so God is able to restore the watered down wine of our own relationships to become dynamic signs of his love.

As a marriage counselor with over thirty years of experience, Dawna has witnessed countless couples navigate this challenging transition. The good news is that this "running dry" is not only normal but can actually become a catalyst for developing a deeper, more mature love.

Here is an important consideration for couples who consider leaving their marriage when the wine runs out: Research by Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher in their book A Case for Marriage found that 86 percent of unhappily married people who stick it out find that, five years later, their marriages are happier. And the National Survey of Families and Households also found that three-fifths of couples who said they were unhappy at one point in their marriage, rated this same marriage as either “very happy” or “quite happy” when interviewed again five years later.

How do we take action to move ourselves from unhappy to happy? As a first step, we need to make sure that two important psychological frameworks are in place.

First, we need to understand that love evolves. The initial passionate phase, what psychologists call "limerence," naturally gives way to a different kind of connection. This isn't a flaw in your relationship—it's a feature. Just as a seedling must develop strong roots before it can bear fruit, relationships need to develop depth beyond initial attraction.

Second, we need to commit to commitment. When we marry we vow to stick together through thick and thin until death parts us. In the Christian teaching on sacramental marriage, there is no exit clause. Commitment is a choice we make to give up other choices. By making that choice, we are called to put all our energy goes into making this commitment work.

With those in place, here are seven proven strategies that can help couples transform their relationship.

1. Create intentional space for connection. Many couples I work with discover they've stopped sharing meaningful time together. Start with a weekly "relationship meeting"—protected time to discuss not just logistics but your feelings, dreams, and concerns. Turn off your phones. Make eye contact. Listen not just to respond, but to understand.

2. Practice the art of novelty. Our brains are wired to respond to new experiences by releasing the same chemicals that made us feel excitement early in our relationship. Try new activities together—take a cooking class, learn ballroom dancing, or explore a new hiking trail. Which activity you choose matters less than the shared experience of discovery.

3. Embrace vulnerability. Many couples build walls of resentment brick by brick, through unexpressed hurts and unmet needs. Break down these walls through honest communication. Share your fears and hopes. When your partner opens up, respond with empathy rather than solutions. Connection grows in the soil of vulnerability.

4. Reframe conflicts as opportunities for growth. Every disagreement contains within it the seeds of deeper understanding. Instead of asking "Who's right?" ask "What can we learn from this?" This shift transforms conflicts from battles to be won into bridges to be built.

5. Practice intentional appreciation. Our brains have a negativity bias—we're more attuned to what's wrong than what's right. Counter this by actively noticing and expressing gratitude for your partner's positive qualities and actions. Make it specific: "I appreciate how you always make sure to hug me before leaving for work" carries more weight than a generic "thanks."

6. Cultivate physical intimacy mindfully. Physical connection isn't just about sex—it's about the full spectrum of touch, from holding hands to sharing a lingering hug. Make time for both spontaneous and planned intimate moments. Remember that desire often follows action rather than preceding it.

7. Invest in individual growth. Paradoxically, maintaining a healthy relationship requires maintaining a healthy sense of self. Pursue your own interests, maintain friendships, and continue growing as an individual. This brings fresh energy and perspective into your relationship.

Just as fine wine develops complexity and depth with age, so too can our relationships become richer and more satisfying over time. The initial "wine" of passionate love may run out, but through conscious effort and dedication, we can discover a deeper vintage—one that combines the sweetness of familiarity with the rich complexity of shared history and intentional growth.

Remember, every enduring relationship goes through seasons. The question isn't whether you'll face challenges, but how you'll use them as opportunities to deepen your connection. With patience, commitment, and the right tools, you can cooperate with God's grace to transform the "water" of routine into the "wine" of renewed love and connection.