On the feast of St. Valentine in 2014, Pope Francis told a group of more than 20,000 engaged couples gathered in St. Peter’s Square that one secret to a loving and lasting union involves saying three key phrases over and over each day:
“Please (or “may I?”),”
“Thank you,” and
"I'm sorry."
Each of these is important because it humbles us, and in so doing, makes it possible to more selflessly love one another.
Saying “I’m sorry” involves acknowledging fault. Apologizing for your part in a conflict can be used to restore a breach between you and your spouse even when you believe they are almost entirely to blame for the problem (as long as a need to tell them they are mostly to blame does not poison your apology!).
Saying “please” humbles us by acknowledging our spouse’s agency. When couples share a single car, it’s easy to say “I’ll need you to drive me to the airport Friday.” Saying instead “Honey, will you please drive me to the airport” forces us to acknowledge that our needs do not create a requirement for our spouse to meet those needs. On the contrary, our needs create in us an obligation to petition them to meet our needs.
Saying “thank you” humbles us by acknowledging the services our spouse performs for us. When couples agree to a separation of chores, such as he cooks dinner and she does the laundry, they rarely acknowledge these services with a “thank you.” After all, the spouse is supposed to do their chores. Saying thank you when your spouse performs these tasks is a reminder that following the household rules is a daily service to the relationship and is not to be taken for granted.
On the surface, the Pope’s advice might seem simplistic, even banal. And yet, there is a wealth of wisdom in those words.
The Pope’s advice involves families practicing courtesy, a form of everyday politeness that seems to have gone out of style. But Francis is not encouraging courtesy simply because he is old-fashioned; he is encouraging courtesy because courtesy enables us to act out two fundamental virtues: justice and humility.
This blog post is adapted from a chapter of our book Climbing the Seven Story Mountain. You can read the entire chapter here.
Image by Annett_Klingner from Pixabay
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