Few things are as important to a successful marriage as the ability of both spouses to apologize for their parts in conflicts, disagreements, misunderstandings, failures and broken promises. Pope Francis once told couples that if they hadn't apologized to one another at least seven times during the day, they probably needed to pick up their game.
But what constitutes an adequate apology? Did you know that there's a science to it?
A widely cited 2016 study polled 755 people to find out how they reacted to apologies containing different combinations of the same six elements: (1) an expression of regret, (2) an acknowledgement of responsibility, (3) an offer of repair, (4) a declaration of repentance, (5) a request for forgiveness, and (6) an explanation for why the offense occurred. The study found that the more components that were included -- the fuller the apology -- the more effective it was.
But the study also found that two elements were especially crucial: acknowledging that you were wrong and offering restitution. No apology is complete without these two elements.
There is also a component of some apologies that can backfire: explanations. Often an explanation comes off as an excuse for your poor behavior, and can ruin the effect of the apology
Here are all the possible elements of an apology:
1. Expression of regret. The essence of an apology is saying “I’m sorry.” Ideally, your statement of regret should express remorse and empathy. Remorse involves speaking about how badly you feel about what you have done. Empathy requires you to let the other person know that you understand how they feel as a consequence of your actions:
"I am so sorry that I forgot to pick you up after work and let you down."
2. Acknowledgment of responsibility. In the study, acknowledging that you were in the wrong and accept full responsibility for what happened was crucial in making the person feel that your apology is sincere. It is especially important that this acknowledgment makes clear that the victim is not responsible for your poor behavior:
"I am so sorry that I forgot to pick you up after work and let you down. You’ve told me before you feel abandoned when this happens. It is my fault not to have remembered you.”
3. Restitution. The third crucial component of an apology is an offer to make things right. This means offering to provide an act or service to make up for your transgression:
"I am so sorry that I forgot to pick you up after work and let you down. You’ve told me before you feel abandoned when this happens. It is my fault not to have remembered you. I would be happy to take you out for lunch tomorrow, and let you share your thoughts and feelings about this. I promise to listen, and not to be judgmental.”
4. Declaration of repentance. Another element you might want to include in your apology is a clear statement that you know what you did was wrong and you won’t do it again:
"I am so sorry that I forgot to pick you up after work and let you down. It was irresponsible and completely out of line. You’ve asked me before not to do this, and I did it anyway. I promise not to do this ever again. I would be happy to take you out for lunch tomorrow, and let you share your thoughts and feelings about this. I promise to listen, and not to be judgmental.”
5. Request for forgiveness. You might also make a formal request that the injured party forgive you for your actions. But be cautious with this one. Harriet Lerner, author of Why Won’t You Apologize?: Healing Big Betrayals And Everyday Hurts warns that a request of any sort can become self-serving; asking for forgiveness can make the apology about you instead of the person to whom you are apologizing. One way to avoid this problem is to give your spouse control over how you make it up:
"I am so sorry that I forgot to pick you up after work and let you down. It was irresponsible and completely out of line. You’ve asked me before not to do this, and I did it anyway. I promise not to do this ever again. I would be happy to take you out for lunch tomorrow, and let you share your thoughts and feelings about this. I promise to listen, and not to be judgmental. Please forgive me and let me make this right.”
6. Explanation of why the offense occurred. In the survey, explanations turned out to be the least important part of an apology. Many psychologists believe they may actually be detrimental. The problem with explanations is that they often make it sound as if the apologizer is excusing their behavior, or even blaming the injured party. Three simple rules can help you manage these concerns:
First, don’t offer an explanation until you have made a full apology.
Second, don’t offer an explanation unless you are asked (“But why would you do something like that?”) and even then, only after you have made your apology.
Third, if you do make an explanation, make sure you are not blaming outside circumstances for your actions (i.e. explain that you are late because you failed to plan for heavy traffic, not because the traffic was so bad). Above all, do not “blame the victim” by suggesting the wronged party had any fault in the matter (you ran over the newly planted raspberry bush with the lawnmower because you weren’t paying attention, not because your spouse planted the raspberry bush in a stupid place!).
"I am so sorry that I forgot to pick you up after work and let you down. It was irresponsible and completely out of line. You’ve asked me before not to do this, and I did it anyway. I promise not to do this ever again. I would be happy to take you out for lunch tomorrow, and let you share your thoughts and feelings about this. I promise to listen, and not to be judgmental. Please forgive me and let me make this right.
“I understand that you're asking me for a reason I could forget you. All I can say is that I hurried out of the office and rushed home on auto pilot. I did not check my "to do list" and I forgot to come get you.”
Remember: It’s not a heartfelt apology if the intention is to have the last word, shut down the spouse, or relieve your own guilt. It’s also not a true apology if it asks the injured party to do something.
Understanding the science of apologizing can help you craft more effective apologies that will help you heal hurt feelings and restore trust in your relationship.
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