The Art of Presence: Staying Awake in Your Relationship

As a marriage and family therapist, Dawna has counseled many couples who share the same physical space yet remain worlds apart. If her clients are Christian, she will sometimes remind them of this Sunday's Gospel story, in which the disciples, overcome by sleep, nearly miss witnessing a transformative moment. Only upon "becoming fully awake" could they truly see what was before them.

This metaphor beautifully captures what happens in many relationships today when couples become so comfortable with one another, or so secure in their family routines, that they lose sight of one another as persons. They are like vehicles running on autopilot.

The Autopilot Relationship

When relationships operate on autopilot, the consequences can be profound and far-reaching. Partners move through their daily routines together—sharing meals, managing households, perhaps raising children—but without truly engaging with one another.

This state of sleepwalking through your relationships manifests in several ways:

• Conversations become transactional; it becomes increasingly rare to talk about anything but the our schedules, meals, the kids.

• Partners assume they know what the other is thinking and feeling, so they stop asking and checking in with each other.

• Moments of connection and time to just hang out together are sacrificed to the need to get our chores done efficiently and be productive.

• We increasingly connect through media, and when we are together, one or both of us have our phones or other technologies out.

• Physical intimacy becomes routine or, worse, nonexistent.

  
  

The hidden cost of autopilot is that it gradually erodes the emotional foundation of our relationships. Small disconnections accumulate over time, creating distance that can eventually feel insurmountable.

William Dougherty, the author of Intentional Marriage, likes to use the analogy of a river to describe what happens. Getting married, he says, is like getting into a canoe in the Mississippi River at St. Paul.

If you don’t paddle you go south. Not that I have anything against the south, but if you don’t want to go there, you’ve got a problem. If you want to stay at St. Paul, it’s a pretty powerful river, you’ve got to paddle. And if you want to go north, you have to have a plan. To grow closer over the years, you have to be mindful and intentional.

What do you do if your relationship is adrift?

Awakening Through Mindfulness

Mindfulness—the practice of bringing deliberate awareness to the present moment—offers couples a pathway back to connection. Relationship mindfulness is about cultivating moment-to-moment presence with your partner.

Here are some mindfulness practices specifically designed for couples:

Daily Check-ins: Set aside 5-10 minutes each day for uninterrupted connection. This isn't time to discuss the logistics of getting the kids to their activities, or household problems, but rather to genuinely inquire about each other's inner experience. Questions like "What's one time you felt appreciated this week?" or "What were the high and low points of your day?" can open doors to greater awareness of one another.

Technology Boundaries: Create tech-free zones and times in your home. The bedroom, dinner table, and perhaps certain evening hours should be protected spaces where devices don't compete for attention.

Sensory Awareness: Try to engage in activities that awaken your senses together—preparing a meal while noticing textures and aromas, taking a walk while really observing your surroundings, or simply holding hands while focusing on the physical sensation of touch.

Practice Curiosity: Approach your partner with the same curiosity you had when you were first dating. Challenge yourself to learn something new about them each week, regardless of how long you've been together.

Listen Attentively. When your partner shares something, practice asking at least one follow-up question before sharing your own thoughts. Acknowledge what they've said--show them you are listening to them. And maintain gentle eye contact during conversations. Many couples are surprised by how difficult—and ultimately rewarding—this simple practice can be.

Moving Against the Current

There will always be days when work demands, children's needs, or simple exhaustion make being truly present with your spouse challenging. But every time you choose to look up from your phone and ask a thoughtful question, or simply pause between chores to really see your partner, you're paddling against the current—steering your relationship toward greater intimacy rather than drifting apart. These small moments of awareness accumulate over time, transforming not only how you relate to each other but how you experience your shared life together.

Like the disciples who became "fully awake," you too can witness the transformation that happens when we choose to be truly present with those we love.