Alec grew up in an emotionally abusive household that had taught him to avoid responsibility at all costs. He had no trouble saying he was sorry when his actions hurt someone's feeling or didn't turn out as planned, but he immediately followed every apology with an explanation of why his actions were reasonable, or justified.
Alec's wife felt increasingly isolated in their marriage. Every time she expressed hurt feelings, or disappointment, or anger at some action Alec had taken, he explained why she should not feel that way.
She felt unheard. She felt disrespected. She felt unloved.
Alec couldn't see it. "I can't apologize sincerely if I didn't really do anything wrong," he complained in counseling.
In this week's reading, Jesus advises people to humble themselves not only by avoiding the pursuit of higher status, but by intentionally accepting a lower status position than they actually deserve.
Jesus seems to be advising Alec that he should apologize even when he doesn't think he's wrong.
This teaching is upheld by psychology. For example, a 2016 study listed six possible elements in an apology: (1) an expression of regret, (2) an explanation for why the offense occurred, (3) an acknowledgement of responsibility, (4) a declaration of repentance, (5) an offer of repair, and (6) a request for forgiveness.
When they had people evaluate a range of apologies featuring various combinations of these elements, it turned out that only two really mattered when it came to making people feel better: acknowledging that you were wrong, and offering restitution.
In his 2014 St. Valentine's Day address, Pope Francis advised couples that if you didn't apologize to your spouse at least seven times a day, you probably need to up your game.
Through counseling, Alec sought to apologize, or at least acknowledge his wife's feelings without an excuse or explanation; in turn his wife hugged him each time and thanked him for his apology to try to reinforce the fact that in their family, he could be wrong and still be loved.
We thrive best not when we seek the icy peak of perfection but the warm embrace of humility and acceptance.
Comentários