For the last few weeks we have been writing about kairos and kronos in marriage. Kairos moments, the moments of quality time in which love and connection are manifest in action, and which form the basis of lasting intimate connection. Kronos, or "ordinary time," is the sequential time of clocks and calendars that moves inexorably out of the past into the future.
Ordinary time is not ordinary in the common modern English sense of something that's not special or distinctive. It derives from the Latin ordinalis meaning ordered, numbered and organized. Where fasts are times of contemplation and strong measures to transform ourselves, and feasts are times of celebration and thanksgiving, ordinary time is the time of work, of engaging in the regular order of everyday life.
One of the most fundamental problems that arise in ordinary times is a loss of purpose. In the vocation of marriage, the fundamental purpose toward which we should be oriented is our marriage. Whenever you are feeling overwhelmed by the daunting array of activities facing you, it is important to step back and ask yourself, “Which courses of action will bring me closer to my spouse, and which will move me away?”
In the previous two blog posts, we emphasized the need to use use ordinary time to build the trust and commitment that will serve as a foundation for the romantic kairos moments in your relationship. This doesn't mean there are not opportunities for everyday acts of love and romance during ordinary time.
If it is difficult to pause and step back in the middle of managing heavy workloads and anticipating more challenges down the road, consider scheduling time to prioritize your marriage, alongside all the other appointments and activities in your daily calendar. In his book The Rhythm of Life, Matthew Kelly advises us that spending just ten minutes a day reflecting on what we are doing and how it ties to our goals, dreams and life purpose, can be a game-changer.
When a spouse is accused by their partner of neglecting them for work, the response “but I’m doing it all for you and the kids” is so common that it has become a cliché. It is crucial that as you increase your focus on your vocation, that you do it in dialogue with your spouse.
A regularly scheduled "State of Our Union" meeting can be an ideal place to do this. Any week when neither spouse has an urgent issue to address, the couple can use their communication skills to reflect together on how they feel about the marriage, what their goals and purposes are, and where they want to see their marriage in one, five or ten years.
We can also be scheduling something to do with and for our spouses every day. In his book The Relationship Cure Dr. John Gottman cites research showing that small gestures of love and affection every day do far more to build marital success than occasional big gestures. Ordinary time is the time to engage in these small everyday acts of affection and appreciation.
The Gottman Institute makes this principle of "small things often" the center of their approach to relationship counseling. From greeting and parting rituals, to brief daily displays of physical affection, to the sharing of appreciations, to the occasional love note tucked into a wallet or purse, ordinary reminders of love help keep relationships on the rails during busy, ordinary times.
The end goal is to build daily habits that lead us to express our affection each day without our even having to think about it In Tiny Habits: The Small Changes That Change Everything, B.J. Fogg describes research showing that people build new habits effectively by setting small daily quotas for themselves. Committing to sending one text message daily telling your spouse one reason you love them can build to taking one, 5-minute break to call and connect with your spouse in the middle of the work day, and then to untimed daily calls planning an evening activity.
There is one important way in which kronos time and kairos time are alike: attitude. You can schedule your small things often, but if you carry them out as if checking off a list, they will not have the desired effect. You can build daily habits but if they are performed in a perfunctory manner they won't be appreciated. As Gregory Godek says in his book 1001 Ways to Be Romantic, romance is not primarily in the act, it's in how you carry it out.
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