One of the most common things people warn young couples is that “marriage is work.” But saying that marriage is work is not the same thing as saying that it is a chore. Marriage should not, and need not, be drudgery.
Marriage is supposed to be the kind of work that humans were made for: meaningful work, work with a purpose that makes doing it a pleasure. That’s why the Church has defined marriage as a sacrament of vocation, literally a “calling” to do good work.
So if marriage seems to be too much of a chore, you are probably not doing marriage right.
Maybe the problem isn’t marriage. Maybe it’s the concept of work. Most of us imagine work in terms of toil, drudgery, exertion, effort. So when we’re told that marriage is work…well, why would we want to sign up for that? Yet passionate meaningful work can involve zeal and diligence, compassion, patience, understanding, play and laughter, compromise, and love.
One key difference between these two concepts of work is zeal.
This Sunday’s scripture is the famous story of Jesus clearing the temple of merchants and moneylenders. This is often misunderstood as a story about how “even Jesus gets angry.” But the Bible does not tell us Jesus is angry. It tells us he is filled with zeal.
In a homily in 2014, Pope Francis spoke about the virtue of zeal: “This is the question we must ask ourselves: Do we, too, have a great vision and impulse? Are we audacious? Does our dream soar high? Does our zeal consume us?”
We can ask this as well about our marriages:
· Do we have an exciting vision for our lives together?
· Is this vision a driving force in our lives?
· Are we daring and spirited in our pursuit of this vision?
· Is our marriage the most exciting thing in our lives?
Contemporary psychology is sometimes uncomfortable with the concept of zeal because when the virtue is unaccompanied by prudence and common sense it can become fanaticism. This is perhaps why Martin Seligman preferred the term “vitality” to refer to “the subjective experience of energy and aliveness” (Peterson and Seligman 2004: 273), and further subdivides this into “zest, enthusiasm, vigor, and energy. Whatever name you give it, it’s crucial to your wellbeing (Niemiec, 2018, Niemiec & McGrath, 2019).
Another take on zeal is “wholeheartedness.” In Make Time: How to Focus on What Matters Every Day, authors Jake Knapp and John Zeratsky argue that often the antidote to exhaustion and burnout is not rest but wholeheartedly throwing yourself into an activity. When you do, you may find that the energy has been there all along.
How do I find the zeal when I am weighed down by money worries, child care, and job anxieties? When I feel burned out or exhausted in my marriage?
In Dante’s Purgatory, zeal is teamed up with diligence. Diligence involves committing yourself to doing a good job, whatever it takes. Diligence is hard work, but work you feel good about once you’ve accomplished it. Zeal is effortless work, work done for the sheer joy of it. Zealous persons lose no opportunity to work at improving their marriage, and cheerfully make sacrifices for the love of their spouses.
Diligence is putting a checklist of things to do for your spouse in your daily planner and forcing yourself to follow through. It’s scheduling a short love note, phone call or text in the middle of the day even though you don’t feel inspired.
Each diligent act is like striking a spark on a firestarter. It make take many clicks, but eventually one of them ignites the flame.
When we are feeling in love, zeal is abundant in our relationships. During the rough times though, it is diligence that sees us through.
Photo by Mark Peterson
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