When Steve and Dianne were first married they had an ideal of sharing their household chores equally and both working professionally a similar number of hours. Initially they divided up their chores along typical gender roles. He emptied the trash and she did the dishes. She sorted and folded laundry while he carried it to and from the laundry room. They traded chores around the apartment since either one was equally capable of cleaning a toilet or cleaning a stove. They cooked together, or took turns.
This harmonious relationship did not persist, however, because Dianne and Steve had different standards for cleanliness. Dianne insisted that they needed to always clean up after themselves in the moment to avoid leaving a trail of used dishes, discarded clothing or trash in their wake. She couldn’t stand the way such detritus piled up until tables and chairs became too cluttered to use.
Steve believed that it was fine to have a set clean-up time at the end of the day, or even just once a week if he was busy. When Dianne complained, he’d say, “Just remind me, because I don’t even notice what I’ve left behind. I can’t remember if it’s my glass or yours.”
But Steve would also forget to do the chores they'd agreed were “his” chores. For example, he’d forget to take out the trash until Dianne reminded him the trash bin was full. Sometimes, if she reminded him at night, or when he was in the midst of a project, he’d just put a paper bag next to the trash bin to collect the overflow until he could get to it. This situation did not appeal to Dianne’s sense of cleanliness.
When they added children to the mix, the workload increased exponentially. Children create their own trails of detritus, even as they consume more and more of their parents’ time with doctor’s appointments, play dates and other scheduled activities. Dianne and Steve initially believed they would divide these activities. But Steve would forget that Monday was little Jeni’s medical check up and accidentally schedule an important meeting.
Steve’s job often required him to work more than a 9-5 schedule, so he’d expect Dianne to carry more of the after work childcare so he could complete his work. Over time, Dianne reduced her own work hours so that she could be available as the primary parent. She gradually took over most of the household organization, as well as chauffeuring kids to appointments and activities.
By that point, Steve was also completely reliant on Dianne. He frequently thanked her for taking on the tasks that best suited their family’s needs, and told her that he appreciated her “natural” talents at organization and childcare. Dianne appreciated his praise, but wanted a fairer division of the burdens. She resented Steve’s attitude that her skill set automatically made her the “first responder,” rather than sharing that role.
Finally, Dianne had enough. At the beginning of their weekly planning meeting, Diane told Steve she was tired of being the first responder, reminding him of their ideal of sharing the load equally.
Steve listened with surprise as she vented her frustrations. He thought she agreed with him that his job was more important because it brought in most of the income, and that caring for the family was the best use of her time and talent.
However, instead of defending himself, he listened to his very frustrated wife, drawing on his reflective listening skills and empathizing with her emotions. As she wound down to a place where she could begin to entertain solutions, Steve suggested that there are apps he could look into that would put his routine chores on a reminder chart. If he emptied the trash every Monday and Friday, for example, regardless of how full it was, he could keep up with chores before they got out of hand. He was also willing to handle all of the food tasks, from meal planning and grocery shopping to cooking morning and evening meals.
Dianne suggested they break down all their household tasks and divide them up between them, perhaps even drawing from a hat, so that neither one got away with cherry picking the best jobs. After they had drawn their tasks, they decided that there were a few things they would reallocate based on time constraints or aptitude. Steve was a computer guru, and Dianne was anything but, so having Dianne be the point person for seeing computers were backed up and issues with kids’ laptops resolved didn’t make sense. In the end, they came to an amiable division of labor in which each promised to support the other’s efforts.
A central aspect of marriage is that of partnering, of working together toward a common set of goals and dreams. In a just marriage, the spouses are true partners, equally yoked. In some cases, this may mean that they divide their work equally, both spouses putting in the same amount of time and energy. In other cases, they may divide the load equitably, with each spouse taking on the tasks that best suit them, their talents, or their availability.
This post is an excerpt from our book Climbing the Seven Story Mountain. You can read the entire chapter here,
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