Make Straight The Way

One of the things most families do at Christmas is get the house in order for the holidays. There are a million chores to do, activities to be organized, decorations to be put up, and gifts to buy.

The sheer work of getting your house in order can be so stressful and anxiety-provoking that it can spoil the joy of the holidays. Two out of every five Americans said in a recent American Psychological Association poll that the holidays are more stressful than other times of the year, and  43% said that the stress of the holidays interferes with their ability to enjoy them, with 36% saying that the holidays feel like a competition.

We might feel better if instead of getting our houses ready for the holiday, we focused on getting our relationships in order.

"Make straight the way of the Lord," says John the Baptist in this Sunday's Gospel. How straight are your relationships?

One way to put your relationships in order is asking for, and giving, forgiveness.

There are many good models for making an apology. We've discussed one approach here. Another tool for helping you ask forgiveness from those you have wronged is the CONFESS model, described by Everett Worthington in his book Forgiveness and Reconciliation: Theory and Application. (Routledge, 2006).

CONFESS is an acronym intended to be used as a mnemonic device  to ensure that your apology has all the elements needed to create a true sense of forgiveness in most people

• Confess that you've done something wrong. Be specific, and do not offer excuses or explanations.

• Offer a genuine apology.

• Note the pain your actions produced.

• Forever. Let them know that that's how long you will value  your relationship with them.

• Equalize. Offer to balance the scales.

• Say that you will never repeat the wrong, and

• Seek forgiveness by explicitly asking for it.

But it may not be enough to seek forgiveness from those we have wounded. If people have wounded us, we must seek an apology from them. Learning how to ask for an apology can be as important as learning how to give one.

 Amy Dickinson, writer of the Ask Amy column at the Chicago Tribune, has argued that we should not demand apologies ("You owe me an apology!") because this can put people on the defensive. Instead,  she recommends talking about what happened. Tell the person how hurt you are, and describe your pain as vividly as possible. If the person cares about you, this should prompt an unbidden  apology.

In our family, we have a simple formula, "When you (did this action), I felt (describe hurt feelings)"

And what if the person you share your pain with doesn't apologize? That's unfortunate, but letting them know how you felt about their behavior (not about them) will create an honesty and transparency that is more healing than silently nursing your hurt feelings.

Apologies heal relationships because , as Beverly Engel, a psychotherapist who specializes in trauma recovery, writes in her book The Power of Apology (John Wiley and Sons, 2001), “While an apology cannot undo harmful past actions, if done sincerely and effectively, it can undo the negative effects of those actions.”

It's Advent. This is the time to make straight the way of the Lord within your families.

Photo by Tima Miroshnichenko | Pexels