This week we post another draft chapter of our book. This chapter explores relationships damaged by one partners willingness to put their sexual desire ahead of their love for their spouse.
Phil and Vicki met in high school. She was independent, outgoing and upbeat. Phil was aloof, a real mystery to Vicki. She states that she saw his rough image as sexy. During their courtship he was the pursuer, attentive and seductive.
At the point Vicki came into therapy the couple had been married for ten years. She said that she turned 180 degrees from the girl she used to be. "I have always tried to be at his side through the troubled times we've been through, even though he is often the cause of our problem. But I've become uptight, easily angered, and feeling isolated since he started his pursuit of online pornography."
In the early years they were more sexually compatible. She believes that he desired her and describes their sex life as frequent and passionate. But when she got pregnant, things changed for her, and with the demands of being a mother and housewife she became less sexually available to Phil.
"I was given an ultimatum when I was 6 months pregnant that if I did not watch pornographic films to ‘enliven’ our sex life, he would leave me."
Vicki told me that because she felt alone, living in a city over 500 miles from her own family and dependent upon Phil's income, she conceded to the use of pornographic film to arouse Phil when they made love. She didn’t enjoy it, and felt objectified by their use of it.
She explained that she began feeling even more isolated a few years later when Phil became a graduate student and began keeping separate hours from her son and her. Instead of a regular 7am to 10pm wake cycle, her husband told her that as a graduate student, he had to stay late at the university for research or writing demands. She distrusted his explanation because she had evidence that he was spending time on porn sites. When she confronted him about the behavior, he denied any wrongdoing, blaming her for his lustful behavior. He even accused her of cheating on him.
Due to his jealousy, he restricted her ability to interact in women's clubs or social groups. About four years earlier, Vicki stopped working out but she continued to eat the high calorie meals she and her husband cooked. As a result, she gained 40lbs, for which he denigrated her.
Phil did not help at all with any of the housework, claiming he was too busy with his graduate coursework and research. “He doesn't even do the typical husband jobs such as cleaning up the yard, mowing the lawn, and shoveling snow,” she complained. “I do everything and I’m tired every day."
"And because I’m tired, and I don't feel sexually irresistible, and because I am upset when he goes online looking at women and posting personal ads, I am a bitch,” she said. “My son only sees me yelling and angry with his father. He is too young to understand, and I protect him from knowing his Dad is a sex addict."
Vicki had come to me suffering from depression and seeking therapy as a way out. She wanted help to turn her husband around and create the balanced family she always hoped they would be.
"I don't want to be a single mom like my mom was. I don't want my son to grow up not knowing his father,” she said. “But I can't be a sex-slave and I won't be constantly comparing myself to women he finds online or fearing that he's going to leave me for one of them."
Phil and Vicki's marriage suffers from the sin of lust.
Photo by Kampus Production
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