Love Like God: Embracing Unconditional Love in Relationships

"Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you."

Jesus words in this Sunday's Gospel are hard. The core of the message is this: Love is not transactional. Love is not about balancing the books, it's not about doing good things for your loved ones so that they will do good things for you. Love is about giving even when you have no hope that the other person will treat you with anything but contempt. Love is doing good for others not so they will love you, but as a way to move more deeply into a relationship with God.

In her years as a marriage therapist, Dawna has seen many couples suffering frustration and disappointment because their relationships are rooted in "conditional love" – showing love primarily as a bid to receive love in return. The notion that I give my spouse affection, and expect affection in return seems reasonable -- but it contradicts not only modern psychological research but also Jesus' teaching that acts of love cannot be rooted in a desire to be loved in return.

The Trap of Transactional Love

Many couples fall into a pattern of implicit emotional contracts:

"I'll be kind if you're kind first."
"I'll show affection when you show appreciation."
"I'll listen attentively once you start paying attention to my needs."

This approach, while understandable, often leads to:

Escalating feelings of disappointment when expected reciprocation doesn't occur
A sense of constant score keeping that breeds resentment
Our withdrawal of care for our spouse because we feel underappreciated
A cycle of emotional withholding that damages intimacy

Choosing to Love Anyway

Research by Dr. John Gottman shows that relationships thrive not because partners perfectly meet each other's needs, but because they maintain positive behaviors even during difficult periods. This involves:

Offering kindness without guaranteed return
Maintaining respectful behavior even when feeling hurt
Choosing constructive actions regardless of your partner's response
Acting from your values rather than your immediate emotions

The Power of Unilateral Positive Change

Dr. Michele Weiner-Davis's work on relationship change demonstrates that when one partner commits to positive behavior regardless of reciprocation, it often creates what she calls a "ripple effect." While there is no guarantee that your partner will respond as you would like, the act of choosing constructive behavior for your own part in the relationship often has beneficial effects:

You can break negative interaction cycles
You model emotional maturity
You create space for natural positive responses from your spouse
You build your own personal integrity and self-respect

Moving Beyond Quid Pro Quo

Genuine love in marriage means:

Offering comfort even when you're feeling neglected
Speaking respectfully even when treated harshly
Maintaining boundaries with kindness
Choosing to be a loving person regardless of immediate results

Finding Personal Meaning in Loving Action

When we love without guarantee of return, we discover something profound: our capacity to love isn't dependent on others' responses. This realization can be deeply empowering. It means:

Your ability to show love isn't controlled by your partner's behavior
Your choices can reflect your highest values regardless of circumstances
Personal growth can occur even in challenging relationship dynamics
Your actions can have inherent meaning beyond their immediate impact

Maintaining Healthy Boundaries

Acting toward your spouse with loving actions without regard for their behavior toward you does not mean that you should accept emotional or physical abuse. You are called to be the hands and feet of Jesus for your spouse -- and allowing your spouse to abuse you will not get them into heaven.

There are red lines that rely on partners to respect one another. Separating may sometimes be imperative for you or your children’s safety.

Practical Steps Forward

Here are five steps you can take to help you move beyond transactional love:

Identify Your Values: What kind of partner do you want to be, regardless of circumstances?
Choose Growth-Promoting Actions: Select behaviors that reflect your values, not your immediate emotions
Release Expectations: Practice giving without attached demands
Maintain Healthy Boundaries: Unconditional love doesn't mean accepting abuse or neglect
Focus on Self-Development: Use relationship challenges as opportunities for personal growth

A Final Note

This approach to love isn't about being a martyr or accepting mistreatment. It's about finding freedom in the recognition that your capacity to love and act constructively isn't dependent on someone else's choices. While we can't control our partner's responses, we can always choose actions that align with our own highest values and contribute to our own growth.

Remember: The goal isn't to change your partner through your loving actions – it's to be the person you want to be, regardless of the response. In doing so, you may find that the person who changes most profoundly is yourself.