Ted and Doris started dating in High School. They were both in the theater club and developed a hard and fast friendship. Whenever Ted had great news he always shared it with Doris first. When Doris was rejected by her reach school, she confided in Ted before telling her parents.
They told Dawna they were "best buddies." Doris wasn’t really interested in the “immature” guys she knew in high school, and Ted never pushed to turn their friendship into a romantic relationship. After graduation, they went off to separate colleges but they would spend hours every week gossiping on the phone, and they spent time together over the holidays.
They don’t remember who brought it up first, but they developed a running joke that if neither found their soulmate by 30, they would have a marriage of convenience between best friends.
Years later, after getting into and out of relationships, Doris found herself in dire need of a place to live. Ted offered her a place to stay until she got on her feet.
They quickly discovered how companionable they were living together. They were both neatniks, so they didn’t struggle over unequal responsibility for domestic chores. They communicated openly about finances, and kept up their promised financial commitments so neither ever had to bail out the other. Before they knew it they’d been together for four years.
Soon they were reminding one another of their long ago commitment to marry if they weren’t met someone else before they reached their 30th birthdays. Since both of them were approaching their mid-thirties, marriage started to make more-and-more sense to them. So they tied the knot.
Several years passed. As their lives became filled with jobs, the work of running a household and their other activities, their sex life diminished, and finally vanished. Neither especially missed it. Then Doris decided she wanted children. Her biological clock was ticking and unexpectedly, even to her, she became obsessed with the desire for a child.
Doris decided that along with a child she wanted more from their marriage. That’s when they came to see Dawna.
“I just want a genuine, two-sided relationship based around love and respect. If Ted isn’t going to get behind me on that then I don’t know what else I can do but leave. There has to be more than friendship and an economic partnership in marriage, and staying with him is just blocking my way to find the one I am meant to be with. The One who will want what I want."
“What the hell do you mean?” Ted countered. “You already looked at what’s out there. It’s me, Ted, I was the one you poured your heart out to when every relationship fell to crap and every guy turned out to be an asshole.”
“Yeah, but I’m more mature now. I think I’m mentally and emotionally healthier. I’ll do a better job in my relationships, as well as screening out the assholes.”
“It’s just selfish of you to change things now,” Ted protested. “We always agreed we didn’t want to bring more kids into this messed up world. What about your promises to me?”
“It's not selfish to want more than what we have. I shouldn’t have to give up on having a child, and pursuing more romance simply because you don’t want to grow up and take responsibility for another life.”
“Ted, I’m hearing you say that your marriage is satisfying as an economic partnership and companionable living arrangement,” Dawna summarized. “But Doris, I’m hearing you say that you are seeking more emotional commitment. When there is no emotional connection, the passion isn’t alive and well. For you, marriage is becoming emotionally and sexually isolating. How fulfilled do you feel?”
“Not at all, not anymore. Ted has no desire to have sex with me. I want to have a baby. We’re moving in opposite directions and it’s killing me.”
Ted’s and Doris’s marriage was in limbo.
This passage is redacted from a chapter of our book Climbing the Seven Story Mountain. You can read the full chapter here.
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