"Are you making yourself a thermos of coffee?" Dawna asked.
Mark looked up from his phone. "I always make myself a thermos of coffee for later in the day," he retorted. "You know that."
"I wish you wouldn't respond so tersely," Dawna snapped. She left the room abruptly.
Mark sighed. He knew exactly what he had done wrong. Dawna had made a bid for attention, for conversation. Mark's response made her feel shut down, and rejected.
For the last few weeks we have been writing about kairos and kronos in marriage. Kairos refers to moments of quality time in which love and connection are manifest in action, and which form the basis of lasting intimate connection. Kronos, or "ordinary time," is the sequential time of clocks and calendars that moves inexorably out of the past into the future.
One of the most important ways we can build love, trust, and commitment in ordinary time is in how we respond to one another's bids for affection and connection. When our partner seeks our attention, we can respond affirmatively, ignore them, or respond negatively.
Research by John Gottman suggests that in a healthy relationship couples respond to one another's bids 86% of the time, while couples that ended up divorced only turned toward each other other 33% of the time..
One of the challenges is that people can respond differently to the same kinds of language. Mark would not have been put off by the kind of phrasing and tone he used had it been used on him. But Mark is not Dawna.
To love someone, you have to know them. You need to understand who they are and why they might have different expectations and response than you. And loving someone means being mindful of those differences.
Dawna is the third child of four and as such she grew up like many other third-borns with her older siblings often talking over her and ignoring her. In addition, her mother was autocratic and domineering, and shut down any conversation that even mildly questioned her. As a result, Dawna can be very sensitive to Mark's phrasing, and may often feel shut down even when that is not his intention.
It is always especially bad at the end of the semester, when Mark is distracted by heavy grading loads, and the need to wind up university service commitments. He tends to respond abruptly, without thinking. Dawna usually just puts up with her hurt feelings but eventually Mark's abrupt ways of speaking gets on her last nerve.
Mark could have responded very differently. He could have used her conversational bid to make a moment of connection. He could have put his phone down and engaged Dawna for a few minutes to remind her--and himself!--that she, and not work emails, is the most important thing in his life.
Ordinary time is about finding ordinary moments of connection. It is about knowing who your spouse is, being mindful of the moment when they seek attention, and using your awareness to let them know you care about them even in the banal give and take of everyday life.
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