Some years ago Dawna worked with a couple we'll call Alex and Sarah. Alex was convinced that Sarah's emotional reactions to their issues were "over the top," while Sarah felt Alex was "emotionally unavailable." The breakthrough came when Alex humbly admitted that he struggled to understand Sarah's expression of emotions because of his own upbringing. This simple acknowledgment of his limitation allowed Sarah to see him differently – not as withholding, but as someone who was trying to learn.
When couples first come to see Dawna, they're often locked in a dance of defending their positions and proving their points. Each partner arrives armed with examples of how the other person is wrong, convinced that if their spouse would just change, everything would be better. True transformation begins when, like Alex, we stop asserting our own importance and start looking beyond ourselves.
Humility in marriage isn't about diminishing yourself or always letting your partner win. Instead, it's about recognizing that there's something greater at work than our own ego's needs and desires. It's acknowledging that your perspective, while valid, is just one way of seeing things.
This week's Gospel is a lesson in humility and mutual submission. Despite his own following, John the Baptist declares himself unworthy to untie the sandals of the one who would come after him. In turn Jesus, despite being greater than John, submits to baptism by him. This biblical example of putting aside our egos for something greater perfectly illustrates the humility often seen in successful marriages. Our relationships can only reach their full potential when both partners are willing to step aside from their ego's demands.
The Gift of Imperfection
Humility often means setting aside our preconceptions and opening ourselves to new understanding. In marriage, this manifests as genuine curiosity about your partner's experience. It's the difference between saying "That's not what happened!" and asking "Can you help me understand how you saw it?"
One of the most powerful moments in couples therapy is when someone finally admits, "I don't have all the answers." When we acknowledge our limitations, something remarkable happens: our partner often feels safer to acknowledge theirs too.
Four Ways To Practice Humility
Here are four practical ways to cultivate humility in your marriage:
Practice saying "I might be wrong about this. Explain it to me" during disagreements. For example, when couples argue about household responsibilities, stating "I might be wrong about thinking you're not doing your fair share" immediately shifts the conversation from accusation to exploration. This simple phrase signals to your partner that you value truth over being right, and opens the door for them to share their perspective without feeling attacked. Try practicing this phrase in lower-stakes disagreements first to build the habit.
Ask your partner about their experience before defending your position. This requires patience but yields profound results. For example, if your partner expresses hurt about you spending too much time at work, resist the immediate urge to explain your demanding job. Instead, ask "Can you help me understand how this has been affecting you?" This approach helps your partner feel heard and provides crucial context you might have missed. Make it a rule to ask at least two questions about their experience before sharing your perspective.
Acknowledge when your own emotional baggage might be clouding your judgment. This practice involves recognizing and admitting when past experiences or unresolved issues are influencing your reactions in the present. It means taking responsibility for your emotional responses. For example, you might say, "I realize my strong reaction to your being late might be influenced by the experience of my mother forgetting to pick me up from after school activities, and feeling abandoned and unloved." You might start by journaling about your triggers and patterns, then gradually share these insights with your partner during calm moments..
Express gratitude for your partner's perspective, even when it differs from yours. For instance, after a discussion about parenting styles, you might say, "Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this. Your perspective helps me see things from a different angle." This validates their viewpoint while maintaining your own. To implement this, make it a habit to express genuine thanks for your partner's input, especially in situations where you initially disagree, recognizing that these differences can lead to growth and deeper connection..
When we release our ego's need to be right, to be perfect, to be in control, we create space for something more precious: authentic connection. This connection isn't built on an idealized version of ourselves or our partner, but on the acceptance of our shared humanity, complete with its flaws and limitations. Like John the Baptist preparing the way for Christ, our humility prepares the way for deeper marital connection.
Walking Humbly
The path of humility isn't always easy. Our egos resist it, our culture often doesn't value it, and sometimes it feels safer to stay behind our walls of certainty. But the Gospel reminds us that even the greatest among us are called to humility. In more than 30 years of working with couples, Dawna has never seen a marriage improve through prideful positioning, and never seen one harmed by genuine humility.
Remember, choosing humility doesn't mean abandoning your needs or values. Instead, it means holding them more gently, making space for growth, and recognizing that sometimes the strongest thing we can do is admit when we're still learning.
As you move forward in your own relationship, consider where you might loosen your grip on being right. Where might you make space for not knowing? How might your relationship transform if you approached it with more curiosity than certainty?
In the end, humility in marriage isn't about making yourself smaller – it's about making your connection bigger. It's about creating a partnership where both people can be fully human, perfectly imperfect, and deeply connected, all while recognizing that love, like faith, calls us to something greater than ourselves.
Image by Rebecca Matthews from Pixabay
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