Healing the Blind Marriage

Our most intimate relationships often reveal both our greatest strengths and our deepest blindspots. The biblical passage of John 9:1-41 offers a profound metaphor that applies wonderfully to marital relationships: the transformation from blindness to sight, and sometimes, the necessary journey from presumed sight back to a humble recognition of our blindness.

Let's break down the crucial part of this parable, Jesus' confrontation with the Pharisees:

First, Jesus tells the Pharisees that he has come to make the blind see (that is, to learn the truth about their relationship with God)
But then he adds that he has also come to make the sighted blind (blind, that is, to their false beliefs about God and salvation)
The Pharisees protest that they are not blind. Jesus warns them that the greater sin is for those who do see, but do not act accordingly.

What does this have to say about marriage?

Making the Blind See in Marriage

We are called by our vocations to will the good of our spouse as other, that is, as the person they truly are, rather than as a co-star in our story.. Research consistently shows that successful marriages require partners to develop the ability to recognize, understand, and respond appropriately to emotions in ourselves and our partners.

There are many ways to build greater understanding of our spouses. Research by Dr. Esther Perel, for example, reveals that maintaining a sense of curiosity about your partner counteracts our tendency to create fixed narratives about who they are. She notes that long-term relationships often suffer from our complacent (and false) assumptions that we know our spouses completely. She suggests couples :

Establish regular "discovery dates" where you ask open-ended questions about your partner's thoughts, dreams, and perspectives
Practice "generous curiosity" by asking follow-up questions without immediately sharing your own perspective
Create a ritual of sharing new interests, thoughts, or feelings with each other at least monthly.

Perel's research shows that couples who maintain curiosity experience greater relationship satisfaction and demonstrate more accurate understanding of their partners over time. This continuous discovery helps us recognize that our spouses are evolving beings with depths we may never fully comprehend.

Becoming Blind to False Narratives

Just as Jesus challenged the Pharisees to become "blind" to their mistaken views, therapy often involves helping couples identify and release unhelpful relationship myths. Some of these false narratives and "relationship myths" include:

The soul mate myth - Research shows lasting relationships aren't found but built through commitment and intentional acts of love over time.
The feeling-based love myth - Sacramental marriage is built on how we act, not what we feel. Psychological studies bear this out. As Sue Johnson's Emotionally Focused Therapy explains, secure attachment forms through consistent, responsive actions, not fleeting feelings.
The "happily ever after" myth - Longitudinal studies reveal that all relationships face challenges. The difference in successful marriages is not the absence of problems but the ability to navigate them effectively together.
The happiness myth - The Catholic teaching that the fundamental purpose of sacramental marriage is to make us better, rather than happier, is echoed is psychological teachings that growth, not happiness, is a better way of understanding successful relationships. Dr. David Schnarch's concept of "differentiation" in marriage mirrors the spiritual understanding that marriage helps refine and develop our character.

The Challenge of Knowledge Without Action

Perhaps most challenging aspect of this parable is Jesus' warning about those who "see" but don't act accordingly. In therapeutic terms, this represents the gap between insight and implementation. Understanding what makes a healthy relationship is only valuable when translated into consistent behavior.

Couples who understand relationship principles intellectually but fail to practice them experience what psychologists call "cognitive dissonance" - the uncomfortable tension between what we know and how we act. This phenomenon appears in marriages where partners can articulate what makes a good relationship but continue patterns of criticism, defensiveness, or emotional withdrawal.

Bridging Understanding and Practice

How can couples better align their understanding with their actions? Research suggests several evidence-based approaches:

Regular relational assessment - Much like marriage encounters offer structured opportunities to evaluate relationships, therapy often recommends regular "state of our union" conversations where couples honestly assess their connection.
Intentional skill-building - Dr. John Gottman's research shows that specific, learnable skills like turning toward bids for connection and managing conflict productively can be developed with practice.
Mindfulness practices - Mindfulness techniques can help partners remain present and intentional in their interactions. In his book Mindsight, Dr. Daniel Siegel recommends a daily mindfulness practice for couples: Sit facing each other, making comfortable eye contact. Take three deep breaths together, synchronizing your breathing. For two minutes, focus completely on your partner's presence without speaking. Notice when your mind wanders to judgments, future plans, or past interactions. When this occurs, gently return your attention to your partner's presence in the moment. After the two minutes, take turns sharing one observation about your experience. Couples who practice this for just five minutes daily report significant improvements in their ability to remain present during difficult conversations, reduced reactivity during conflicts, and greater feelings of being truly "seen" by their partner
Community support - Research confirms that couples who engage with supportive communities maintain healthier relationships. Many successful couples intentionally cultivate 3-5 "couple friendships" involving regular dinner gatherings, shared hobbies, or even annual vacations. Couples with strong friendship networks were 2.5 times more likely to rate their marriages as "very happy" after ten years compared to more socially isolated couples. Couples who are struggling may want to consider marriage enrichment groups, typically 4-8 couples meeting monthly with trained facilitators. Research shows that couples in these groups consistently show higher levels of marital satisfaction.

Making the Journey

The transformation Jesus describes in the parable isn't instantaneous, and neither is marital growth. The journey from blindness to sight, or from false sight to true vision, requires patience and grace.

When we become willing to acknowledge our blindness, open ourselves to new understanding, and commit to living out what we learn, we create relationships that truly reflect what both therapy and faith affirm - that love is ultimately transformative, requiring both insight and action.

Ask yourself today: Where might I need new vision? What false narratives am I clinging to? And most importantly, how might I better align my actions with the truths I already understand about love?