Faith & Trust in Marriage

When we walk into the church on our wedding day, we make promises based on faith, not certainty. We cannot know what challenges await us. In lasting marriages, however, there are tangible encounters with love that strengthen our ability to believe.

Faith and trust operate in an essential tension. Trust is empirical—built on evidence, consistency, and reliability—while faith transcends what we can prove, requiring us to commit to believing in our spouse's goodness even when we cannot see it perfectly manifested.

Understanding Faith With St Thomas

Perhaps the most famous Biblical story of faith is that of St. Thomas, who refuses to believe the testimony of his friends and fellow disciples that Jesus has returned from the dead. What often gets overlooked is that Thomas is completely straightforward in stating up front what he needs to be a believer. And although Jesus praises those who believe without having seen, he does not condemn Thomas. Jesus is gracious to Thomas because doubt is not a sin. In fact, Jesus gives Thomas what he asks for. He appears to Thomas and tells him to examine his hands and side.

Doubts arise when our faith and our reason are in conflict over how to interpret our experiences. Thomas may have doubted, but he knew what he needed to be convinced. He asked to be shown, and Jesus showed him. Such doubts are important; they are invitations to re-examine your faith, and to look for reasons to trust.

How is love revealed to us? In speech? Through meals? Through companionship? What do we need to feel loved? What do we need to trust? And our vocation requires us to always turn these questions around: How do we reveal to our spouses that we love them? Are we giving them what they need to trust?

Faith, Reason, and Trust

Another Thomas, St. Thomas Aquinas, explains that faith occupies a position between knowledge and opinion. In our marriage we are called to have faith in our spouse based on our knowledge of their strengths. If we know that they can keep their promises we are called to have faith they will this time. If our experience is that they let us down again and again, we are not expected to have faith they will suddenly change their nature (although we may have hope—but we’ll get to that in the next chapter).

Trust alone is only a part of faith. Trust is built up from the surety of actions over time, while faith is a commitment freely given. Faith is ultimately an act of will, not of emotion or deduction. According to Thomas Aquinas, faith is an act of the will committing the intellect to believe something with certainty, without any hesitation or hanging back.

Which brings us to action. For in the Christian tradition, we do not merely have faith, we live our faith. And living in Faith is not possible unless there is action on our part. “Show me your faith apart from your works,” writes the Apostle James, “and I by my works will show you my faith” (James 2:18)

Faith is a commitment to believe that something that should be true is true, and to act according to that belief. The term “leap of faith” derives from the writing of the philosopher Soren Kierkegaard, who wrote that humans must inevitably make a “qualitative leap” to get from our certainty in the things we trust to the inner conviction required to act in faith.

The Language of Trust

Dr. John Gottman's research identifies trust as the cornerstone of marital stability. His studies show that trust is built through what he calls "sliding door moments"—seemingly small instances where spouses choose to turn toward each other's bids for connection rather than away. These moments accumulate, creating what he calls an "emotional bank account" that sustains couples through inevitable conflicts.

For Catholics, these daily choices mirror the concept of marital fidelity—not just sexual faithfulness, but a consistent turning toward one's spouse in attentiveness and care. Each choice to prioritize our spouse's needs becomes a small act of faith, reinforcing our commitment to the sacramental bond.

Rebuilding Broken Trust

When trust is damaged, the mental health path to restoration parallels the spiritual journey of reconciliation. There are three crucial stages to reconciliation:

Recognition and Acknowledgment - The offending spouse must fully recognize the breach of trust, acknowledging both actions and impact, similar to a thorough examination of conscience.
Atonement and Forgiveness - True contrition involves not just remorse but concrete actions that demonstrate commitment to change. Like the spiritual concept of "firm purpose of amendment," the spouse must show through consistent behavior that transformation is occurring.
Rebuilding and Renewal - The final stage involves creating a new narrative that incorporates the breach while transcending it. This mirrors the Catholic understanding that reconciliation leads not merely to restoration but to spiritual growth.

Faith as Daily Practice

Faith in marriage, like spiritual faith, must be practiced daily. Theologian Hans Urs von Balthasar emphasized that Christian love is not merely sentiment but a disciplined practice of self-giving. Similarly, marital faith requires:

Rituals of connection - Daily practices that affirm commitment, such as intentional greetings and farewells, shared prayers, or gratitude rituals.
Assuming positive intent - Choosing to believe the best about our spouse's motivations, especially during conflicts
Vulnerability as offering - Opening ourselves to our spouse as an act of faith, trusting they will handle our hearts with care

When Faith Seems Impossible

There are seasons when faith in one's marriage feels as difficult as spiritual dark nights of the soul. In these moments, Catholic couples can draw wisdom from St. Thérèse of Lisieux, or St. Teresa of Calcutta, both of whom continued to act with faith even during long periods when they did not feel the presence of grace. Sometimes, marital faith means committing to actions of love when feelings have gone dormant.

Dr. William Doherty, a family therapist and researcher, notes that in these seasons, couples benefit from what he calls "rituals of connection"—structured practices that maintain connection when spontaneous warmth has faded. These might include weekly date nights, daily check-in conversations, or shared spiritual practices.

Community Support for Marital Faith

The Catholic understanding of marriage as sacrament places couples within the broader community of faith. Research by sociologists Brad Wilcox and Nicholas Wolfinger confirms that couples who practice faith within supportive religious communities experience higher marital satisfaction and stability.

These communities provide:

Models of enduring commitment
Accountability and encouragement
Shared values that strengthen marital purpose
Rituals and practices that sanctify everyday interactions

The Leap of Faith, Again and Again

Kierkegaard's "leap of faith" is not a one-time event in marriage but a daily choice. Each morning, we awaken to the invitation to believe again—to trust that our imperfect union continues to be worthy of our commitment.

In the context of a Catholic marriage, this daily leap reminds us that our marriages are not merely human institutions but sacramental covenants that participate in divine love. When we choose faith in our spouse despite imperfections and disappointments, we participate in God's steadfast love for humanity.

As we journey through the inevitable seasons of certainty and doubt, remember that both faith and trust grow stronger through testing. Like Thomas, who moved from doubt to the profound confession "My Lord and my God," our marriages can become deeper testimonies of love precisely because we have wrestled with uncertainty and chosen to believe.