Eight Ways to Deepen Your Commitment

Radical commitment. That's the promise we make when we marry. We vow to stick together through thick and thin until death parts us. No exit clause. No surrender.

Many people make this vow with their fingers crossed. They intend to stay committed unless...

...unless it gets to hard.

...unless they fall out of love

...unless the partnership becomes unfulfilling

Jesus isn't having any of that in this Sunday's Gospel reading. Although couched as a legal question--is it lawful to divorce?--for married couples the teaching a call to vocation.

The commitment we make in marriage is not just refusing to divorce. It involves a conscious decision to prioritize the relationship and work through challenges together, again and again.

Commitment is a choice we make to give up other choices. By making that choice, we make ourselves greater than we were. Once committed, all our energy goes into making this commitment work.

There are two major stages to this commitment: the initial commitment and the day-to-day keeping of that commitment. But true commitment cannot be just white-knuckling it through tough challenges and disputes. It needs to involve deepening intimacy, vulnerability, and honesty.

Why is commitment crucial?

• Commitment is the foundation of trust: Knowing that you are committed for life allows partners to feel secure and supported, which is essential for a healthy relationship.

• Commitment promotes stability: Being assured that your marriage is for life provides a sense of security and continuity that helps couples navigate life's ups and downs together.

• Commitment encourages growth: When you must worry whether your spouse is going to stay in love with you, change can be frightening. Committed couples can support each other's growth and well-being.

  
  

How do we build real commitment?

In his 2008 book The Marriage Benefit: Eight Intimate Risks That Help Us To Become Our Best Selves, Dr. Mark O'Donnell suggests that we understand commitment as a risk. A clinical instructor in psychology at Harvard Medical School and Cambridge Hospital in Massachusetts, he explains by deepening those risks, we can grow in intimacy.

Embrace a Longer-Lasting Definition of Love

Love evolves over time. Research shows that couples who recognize this, and view love as a journey rather than a destination, tend to have more satisfying relationships.

Celebrate Your Differences

Differences between partners can be a source of growth and enrichment rather than conflict. Embracing your partner's unique qualities and perspectives broadens your own horizons. Studies indicate that couples who appreciate their differences report higher relationship satisfaction.

Have Real Sex

Intimate physical connection is crucial for maintaining emotional bonds but not, says O'Donnell, when couples seek the kinds of erotic relationships unrealistically portrayed in popular culture. "Real" sex involves vulnerability, communication, and intimacy rather than just need and desire. Marital satisfaction occurs when couples "find and sustain [their] sexualities in the face of what is fast becoming an epidemic of sexual meaninglessness and disconnection.”

Find Liberation Through Commitment

Paradoxically, commitment can be liberating. When you're fully committed, you're free from constantly questioning the relationship. This security allows for greater personal growth and risk-taking within the relationship.

Believe in Something More Important Than Yourselves

Ideally, the family should be greater than the sum of its parts. Shared values and beliefs can help that process along, creating a strong foundation for marriage. Couples who are united in their commitment to something greater than themselves - be it faith, social causes, or family - often report higher levels of marital satisfaction.

Give Up Your Habits and Addictions

Harmful habits and addictions--from gambling to pornography to social media--can erode trust and intimacy. Overcoming destructive behaviors demonstrates that the relationship is more important than either spouse's selfishness and poor choices.

Forgive and Give Thanks

Forgiveness is essential for moving past hurts and maintaining a healthy relationship. Equally important is expressing gratitude for your partner. Research shows that couples who practice forgiveness and gratitude experience greater relationship satisfaction and longevity.

Play Together

Shared fun and laughter are vital for a thriving marriage. Engaging in playful activities together reduces stress, strengthens bonds, and creates positive shared experiences. Studies indicate that couples who play together stay together.

One of our favorite love songs is Dido's White Flag. The narrator represents her love as a ship, and insists that although she has screwed up and expects her lover to leave her, her own commitment is so profound that she’s prepared to sink with it rather than abandon the vessel. Dido's song defies the cultural expectation that we must moving on quickly from past relationships, instead choosing to honor the authenticity and permanency of her commitment.

It's a powerful song, reminding us that commitment goes beyond just staying together; it requires us to actively choose our partners every day and taking the risks we need to deepen our connection.