Sunday Gospel for 22 Oct. 2023
"And see?" her spouse said unapologetically. "We still got out at 1:30, just as we planned." She wasn't especially irritated by his flippant tone. She wasn't even anxious about being late. But she still had to bite her tongue not to point out that her cellphone read 1:32.
Would you rather be right or in a relationship?
In this Sunday's Gospel, the pharisees send their disciples to once again "test" Jesus, to see if they can get him to say something "wrong," or something that will show him up or even get him into trouble. Jesus calls the religious leaders of his day "hypocrites" because of their self righteousness. Their religious teaching is all about the need to be right, not the need to be in a relationship, not the need to be in love.
Being right feels good--because it means that you're not wrong. Being right provides a sense of security and superiority. Being right floods your brain with feel-good hormones. And being right creates distance.
Distance is inevitable in a relationship, says Sue Johnson, author of Hold Me Tight. Both the vicissitudes of everyday life and the falling into routines to deal with them reduce our intimacy. We make this distance greater when we engage in little tests and power struggles.
Drawing on attachment theory, she argues that a healthy intimate relationship provides our greatest sense of emotional security and contentment. This means trusting that your partner will respond when you call, knowing that you are cherished, and that your partner will respond to your emotional needs.
Once we do feel safely attached to our partner, we can deal with the hurts they will—inevitably—inflict upon us in the course of everyday life. But it also means that we have less need to widen the distance by asserting our rightness.
Even if that sometimes means having to bite our tongues.
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