As a marriage therapist, Dawna has often had to guide couples grappling with a paradoxical truth: our instinct to immediately soothe our partner's pain, while well-intentioned, can sometimes prevent deeper connection.
In this Sunday's Gospel, Jesus assures us that "Blessed are you who hunger now" and "Blessed are you who weep now," because you will be fulfilled and find solace in God's time. Waiting, Jesus makes clear, is part of our relationship with God.
But there is wisdom here not only about our relationships with God, but also our relationships with one another. Today's culture often promotes quick solutions and immediate gratification. Yet, in our marriages, some of our most profound moments of growth and connection emerge when we resist the urge to rush past difficulties.
The Problem with Problem-Solving
When our partner expresses pain or distress, our natural impulse is to jump into solution mode. We want to fix, advise, or somehow make the discomfort disappear. This reaction, while loving in intent, can actually create distance:
It can make our partner feel unheard
It may trivialize complex emotional experiences
It often bypasses opportunities for deeper understanding
It can create pressure to "get over it" prematurely
The Hidden Value of Shared Discomfort
Research in couple therapy shows that couples who develop the capacity to sit together in difficult emotions often report stronger bonds. This isn't about wallowing in misery – it's about creating space for authentic emotional experiences:
Sharing vulnerability creates neural synchrony
Joint emotional processing builds trust
Mutual presence during difficulty strengthens attachment
Shared challenges create shared narratives
When Pain Becomes a Bridge
Counterintuitively, periods of shared struggle often become defining moments in relationship strength. Dr. John Gottman's research shows that couples who successfully navigate difficulties together develop what he calls "emotional attunement" – a deeper awareness of each other's inner worlds.
This happens through:
Validation of each other's experiences
Deep listening without rushing to solutions
Shared emotional regulation
Creation of "we against the problem" rather than "you versus me"
Building Resilience Through Challenge
Just as physical muscles grow stronger through resistance, relationship resilience develops through successfully weathering difficulties together. This involves:
1. Developing Emotional Stamina. Emotional stamina is the psychological endurance we build through consciously staying present with difficult feelings. When couples learn to tolerate discomfort together rather than immediately trying to escape it, they develop the capacity to handle increasingly challenging situations. This includes maintaining compassionate awareness of both partners' experiences, even when tired or stressed, and creating an environment where both can bring their full selves to the relationship. Like emotional weight-lifting, couples start with smaller challenges and gradually build their capacity for handling bigger ones, developing the ability to hold space for both partners' emotional realities simultaneously.
2. Strengthening Communication. Strong communication during difficult times means moving beyond basic expressions of frustration to clearly articulate experiences and needs. Instead of saying "Leave me alone!" partners learn to say "I'm feeling overwhelmed and need some quiet time to process." It's about maintaining connection even during disagreements, learning to express opposing viewpoints while still demonstrating care through gentle touch or eye contact. Partners help each other develop a rich emotional vocabulary, creating shared language for experiences that might otherwise remain unnamed and unaddressed, including terminology for patterns and states unique to their relationship.
3. Growing Trust. Trust deepens not in easy times but through the crucible of challenge. It grows when partners prove reliable during hardship - maintaining regular check-ins during busy periods, following through on commitments when tired, and staying emotionally available during conflict. Each successful navigation of difficulty strengthens the couple's confidence in their ability to handle future challenges, creating a positive feedback loop. This isn't about enduring unhealthy situations, but rather about actively choosing to work through solvable problems together, even when uncomfortable. Through this process, couples build a shared belief in their relationship's durability, reinforced by each challenge they overcome together.
Finding Meaning in Relationship Challenges
Difficult periods often become powerful chapters in a couple's shared story. They can:
Define relationship values
Clarify priorities
Deepen mutual understanding
Create lasting bonds through shared experience
Practical Steps for Deeper Connection
Practice Presence. Being fully present with your partner requires intentionally creating both physical and emotional space for connection. Set aside dedicated time—even 15 minutes can be meaningful—where phones are silent and distractions are minimized. Make eye contact during conversations, which research shows triggers oxytocin release and builds trust. When emotions run high, try synchronizing your breathing together; this simple act can create physiological co-regulation and emotional attunement. The quality of your presence matters more than the quantity of time spent together. When your partner is sharing something difficult, resist the urge to check your phone or think about solutions. Instead, focus entirely on their words, facial expressions, and emotional tone. This deep presence communicates, "You matter. Your feelings matter. I'm here with you in this moment."
Validate Before Problem-Solving. Validation is the art of helping your partner feel understood and accepted in their emotional experience. Start by reflecting what you hear: "I'm hearing that you felt overwhelmed and alone in that situation." Then, normalize their feelings: "It makes complete sense that you would feel that way." This validation needs to come before any attempt at problem-solving or advice-giving. Remember that validation doesn't mean you agree with every thought or action—it means you understand your spouse's emotional experience. Even if you see things differently, you can say, "I can see how, from your perspective, this feels incredibly unfair." This creates emotional safety that allows for deeper sharing and eventual problem-solving together.
Create Holding Space. "Holding space" means creating a consistent, reliable container for emotional expression and processing. This might look like a regular check-in time where partners can share difficult feelings without fear of judgment or interruption. Develop physical comfort rituals that work for you both—perhaps sitting close together on the couch, holding hands during hard conversations, or sharing a comforting embrace when words aren't enough. Create shared language for these times—simple phrases that signal need or offer support. This might be as straightforward as asking, "Do you want to be heard, helped, or hugged?" Honor different processing styles and timing; some people need to talk things through immediately, while others need time to internally process before sharing. Make room for both approaches in your relationship.
A New Perspective on Challenge
Rather than viewing relationship difficulties as problems to be solved, we might see them as opportunities for:
Deeper understanding
Stronger connection
Greater intimacy
Shared growth
The couples who build the strongest bonds aren't those who avoid difficulties – they're the ones who learn to move through challenges together, finding deeper connection in shared experience.
Remember: Quick fixes might temporarily soothe, but lasting relationship depth often grows from our willingness to stay present in challenging times. In the discomfort of genuine emotion and authentic struggle, we often find our greatest opportunities for true intimacy and lasting connection.
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