Eliminating Envy

Envy is the vice in which we find ourselves unable to be happy for the successes, accomplishments or just good luck of others without measuring ourselves against them. It also encompasses the feeling of schadenfreude, taking pleasure in the misfortunes of others. The vice of envy involves seeing others and resenting them and what they have. In Dante’s Purgatory, penitent souls are clad in cloaks of plain gray so that they are all the same, and their eyes are closed so that they cannot see, and so envy. 

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It would be nice to think that because married couples are a team engaged in a common project, envy doesn’t exist in marriage. Unfortunately it certainly does. In his beautiful description of love in First Corinthians, St. Paul warns against both aspects of envy. First, he says love doesn’t envy; loving spouses appreciate each other’s successes. 

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This kind of spousal envy can take many forms. One spouse we know resented the business trips her husband took. “I can’t believe you get a business trip to Paris while I’m stuck here. Why don’t you ever try to take me along?” she would complain. Yet she knew the answer: His company would not pay for her flight, or her accommodations, and she would be on her own while he was in meetings every day. That their family budget could not accommodate such travel for her was something she knew, yet the envy remained. 

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Envy can occur over little things as well, such as resentments about the spouse getting to go out to lunch at work while the other didn’t, or one spouse winning at Bingo.

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Second, Paul also warns us that love does not rejoice when wrongs befall our spouse. We should not applaud when life takes our partner down a notch—however much we may in our hearts believe they need it. Our real attention should be on us: why do we feel this way about our spouse?

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Envy can spring from attitudes of entitlement and competitiveness. You may find yourself consumed by trying to be the “best” in your marriage—the main breadwinner, the best parent, the better looking, the smartest. This kind of  competition can only lead to suffering for both yourself and your spouse. 

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Envy is closely linked to pride. Envious people feel they are entitled to things, and get irritated when they do not get them. This can lead them to lash out in anger (we’ll say more about this in the next chapter) or they may nurse their grievances in silence. Either way, the relationship becomes poisoned.

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Another place that envy emerges is when a spouse becomes jealous of their partner’s relationship with their children. A common issue in therapy is when men jealously describe the wife as loving the child more than them. A similar issue may arise in some families when children begin rejecting the mother in favor of the father’s attention. 

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Another way envy shows up in marriage is when one spouse looks beyond their marriage at the qualities of other people. It happens when a husband wishes his wife looked more like his friend’s wife. It happens when a wife would prefer her husband to act more like someone else’s husband. Envy is often the root cause when one partner overlooks the many good qualities in their spouse and focuses on the deficits. They then find other people who seem to have what their spouse lacks.

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This is playing marital roulette. No partner in marriage is perfect. When people start to look elsewhere for the qualities their spouse lacks, a fertile soil has been readied for the seed of infidelity to be planted. We must love our spouse for who they are, and remember that no one is perfect, including us. It is easy sometimes to idealize the relationships of others, but the truth is, every person and relationship has its own set of strengths and weaknesses.

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What would a life without envy be like?

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The Church calls on us to look on everything we have, our good luck and inborn talents as well as everything we’ve done with them, as part of God’s free gift to us. God didn’t owe you anything; he gave freely. So how are you in a position to compare yourself to your spouse, to worry about his accomplishments or envy what she has? Who are you to desire more than you have at all? What you should be doing is admiring and supporting your spouse in everything.

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In envy there is no peace.  There is peace in love and mutual support.

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Discernment: An Envy Assessment

Envy of one's spouse is difficult to acknowledge. Here is a simple assessment to help determine whether you might experience envy of your spouse. Think about one of your spouse's recent accomplishments. Describe it. Then answer the questions below.

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1. What feeling did you experience primarily when you first heard about your spouse's success?

Happy (0) Neutral (1) Vaguely disturbed (2)

2. Did you congratulate your spouse?

Yes (0) No (1)

3. Did you worry that your own success might be undervalued as a result?

Yes (1) No (0)

4. Have you found yourself ruminating over your spouse achieving more status than you have?

Yes (1) No (0)

5. Imagine what would happen if your spouse suffered an embarrassing public failure or professional loss. How did you feel?

Sad (0) Indifferent (1) Happy (2)

6. When was the last time you gave public credit or kudos to your spouse? 

Recently (0) Don’t remember (1) Never (2)

7. You are always willing to admit it when you make a mistake.   

False (0) True (1)

8. You have never intensely disliked anyone.

False (0) True (1)

9. You sometimes feel resentful when you don’t get your way.  

True (0) False (1)

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Add your scores for questions.

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10-12  You've been very honest in your responses. That’s good preparation for learning to eliminate your envy.

7-9      You have moderate envy. It may create issues for you in your marriage and other relationships.

4-6      You have low envy.

0-3      You are comfortable with yourself and are able to celebrate your spouse's achievements.

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Counter-virtue: Kindness

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True love values the other person’s achievements. It does not see him or her as a threat. It frees us from the sour taste of envy.

Pope Francis I

 

Envy is a black hole, sucking all the joy out of life, and casting a dark cloud over family events. All the whining, and hurt silences and cruel terms used to take someone down a peg poison family activities and loving relationships.

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Dante presents kindness as the counter-virtue to envy. Where an envious person grows angry at another’s success, a kind person celebrates the other’s good fortune.

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Kindness comes from the same root as the word “kin”. You show kindness to someone when you treat them as if they were family. This is especially important with your spouse, who should be treated as “bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh” (Genesis 2:23). That’s why this scripture is often recited at weddings; it describes the ideal relationship between husband and wife, one in which the couple treat one another with the same courtesy, consideration and respect that they want for themselves.

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Recent research suggests that acts of kindness may be the most important everyday characteristic of a lasting marriage. The University of Virginia’s National Marriage Project found that frequent and generous acts of kindness were fundamental to strong, stable partnerships. And research by John Gottman shows that in healthy marriages spouses speak and perform five kindnesses for every negative comment or correction. Strong marriages not only emphasize the positive, but the spouses build positive experiences into their relationships.

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Kindness also involves helping one another out. Aside from the envy they may produce in others, successes often also come with costs, such as increased stress or scheduling challenges. Kind spouses help their partners by offering to assist them with these challenges. For example, a kind spouse might take on an extra household chore so their partner can more easily shoulder the new responsibilities  that  come with their promotion.

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But isn’t open, honest communication of our thoughts and feelings the most important thing in a marriage? Not always. Unkind thoughts and feelings, motivated by envy, need not be shared. Often, these require thoughtful reflection and prayer, not sharing. All too many marriages are harmed by expressions of envy that people defend as speaking “openly.”

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Finally, it is important to encourage kindness by appreciating and acknowledging the kind acts we receive from our partners. Sharing appreciation for kindnesses received strengthens the relationship by letting the partner know they are loved. As a result, it encourages them to continue their acts of kindness.

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Kindness is like a wellspring pouring forth joy. Kindness can play out in word or deed, but its purpose is to help and support one another, and so to build and strengthen your relationship. Acts of kindness have a ripple effect, paying forward and building the common good.

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Practical Exercises

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1. Self-Examination. A first step to eliminating envy is to recognize your own envious feelings. Any time you are feeling unhappy with your spouse, examine your thoughts to determine whether they are envious. If you find that your thoughts are envious, honestly own up to these thoughts. Watch out for false justifications--envy is not something caused by your spouse’s actions. Recognize that you are envious, and remind yourself that envy is a spiritual problem in which you are failing to find joy in something good (your spouse’s success). Try to distract yourself from your envious thoughts by focusing on something else (a pleasant memory, things you and your spouse need to do together) or engage in another activity (do a chore, read a book, pray). When you distract yourself, you may be able to stop those envious thoughts before they take hold in your heart.

 

2. Speak Kindly.  “Agere contra” (“Do the opposite”). That’s the advice St. Ignatius gave to people troubled by sins like envy. You may not be able to control your feelings, but you can always control your actions. When envy strikes, our tendency is to criticize, gossip, or belittle our spouse. Instead, when you feel envy of your spouse, try these techniques:

• Pray for your spouse. When you are feeling badly for yourself because your spouse seems to be better than you in some way, say a prayer not for yourself but for them. Thank God for your spouse’s talents and successes, and ask that more blessings come to them.

• Praise your spouse. Every day try to find an opportunity to praise your spouse, no matter how much in your heart you don’t feel it. Act in opposition to your envious feelings. Tell her you are proud of her, and don’t make it cursory—tell her exactly what you are proud of. Tell her you are proud that she got selected for the business trip. Tell her you are happy that she got a chance to go out for lunch.

 

3. Behave Kindly. Pope Francis tells us that to be truly kind, our words are not enough. We must adopt “a kind look” in which our vocal tones, the volume of our speech, and our body language all demonstrate that we are genuinely pleased for our spouse. When we deliberately act kindly, he says, we cannot sustain the negative attitude that points out our spouse’s shortcomings while overlooking our own. “A kind look helps us to see beyond our own limitations, to be patient and to cooperate with others, despite our differences. Loving kindness builds bonds, cultivates relationships, creates new networks of integration and knits a firm social fabric,” he writes in Amoris Letitia. 

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4. Cultivate Team Spirit. In a team sport, if one player makes a game-winning score, the whole team wins the game. You and your spouse are a team. You were made one in the covenant of marriage. Your spouse’s triumphs should therefore be your triumphs. When envy poisons your appreciation of your spouse’s successes, act as if it didn’t. Rejoice together. Plan a celebratory dinner for the two of you. Toast your family’s success.

 

Prayer:

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O Lord, let me love my spouse as myself.

If there is in my heart any envy, malice, or jealousy,

reveal it to me, and cleanse me of it.

Help me to rejoice when she/he rejoices, and weep when he/she weeps.

Forgive me for the times I have been jealous. 

Forgive me for trying to belittle his/her accomplishments,

Forgive my selfish ambition,

Forgive me for trying to make myself better than my spouse.

Move me from resentment to contentment,

from restlessness to peace,

from envy to self-giving love.

Amen

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