Forming Faith

Everyone lives their lives by faith. We rise and drive to work each day with the unspoken faith that today an auto accident will not claim our lives, or that a workplace accident will not cause a severe injury. We make plans for the next day, and the next week, in the faith that we will not be struck down by illness. Hundreds of thousands of people discover each year that their faith was misplaced, yet we continue to act in faith because we cannot effectively live our lives fearing something over which we have no control.

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There are very few certainties in life. Faith is our commitment to act in that world of uncertainty.

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When the Church speaks of faith, however, they mean something more than an unconscious pretense that things will be as we need them to be instead of how they really are. Rather, faith is understood as a deliberate act of the will, a commitment to live in the universe as if it were one filled with meaning, purpose and love, rather than the random, meaningless universe it might be.

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In the Paradiso, Dante reaches the sphere of the fixed stars–that is, the constellations, where he is questioned about faith by St. Peter. Until now, Dante has been able to rely on reason founded in empirical experience, but this is insufficient in heaven. Dante’s entire pilgrimage from the gates of Hell to here, has been a process of learning to see things as they really are. We cannot do that in the mortal realm, he explains to Saint Peter; we must rely on faith.

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Everyone has beliefs, and we live our lives based on those beliefs, even if we never clearly articulate and define them. Josef Ratzinger (late Pope Benedict) wrote in his Introduction to Christianity: “Every man must adopt some kind of attitude to the basic questions, and no man can do this in any other way than that of entertaining belief.”

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Faith thus has two parts: the commitment (the faith with which I believe), and the content (the faith in which I believe). Each time we say to our spouse, “I love you” we are professing an act of faith. It is at once a statement of belief—that I love you—and a commitment to act—to strive for your good without regard for how it benefits me. We prove our faith when our actions demonstrate our commitment to the claim that we love.

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In Christianity, faith involves putting confidence and hope in God. In marriage, faith involves putting confidence and hope in both your spouse and yourself. In the ideal of the Christian marriage, your faith in yourself and your spouse is sustained and bolstered by your faith in God.

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Without faith, there can ultimately be no marriage, and no love. Faith is, in the words of Wojciech Giertych “an indispensable tool” for acting in the world with love.

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Faith requires no evidence for belief nor practice. The very nature of faith surmises that tangible evidence may not exist.

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When Ashley’s grandfather died she inherited a portion of his wealth, nearly $50,000. She had never expected a sudden windfall and didn’t have any clue how to make best use of the funds. She told Paul that she thought she’d use half of it to pay off their credit cards and her college loans and put the rest in savings.

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Paul asked, “Could I take the portion you would put into savings and start an investment account?”

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“Why would you want to do that?” Ashley asked.

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“I’ve always been curious about how financial investing works,” he said. “I took a class in high school and learned how to read the financial pages. Sometimes I follow the market with a pretend account. It’s always interested me but I’ve never had any real money to invest.”

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“Aren’t you afraid you’ll just lose it all?” Ashley asked.

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“Not really. I think I know enough to make responsible investments,” he said. “But there are no guarantees when investing.”

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Ashley considered Paul’s proposal. She had no evidence that Paul could even handle her money but she had faith that he would try his best. And it wasn’t as if she had plans for the money. So she told him , “What the heck. Enjoy.”

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Ashley never again asked about the money or how the investments were going. It was just Paul’s hobby, something he sometimes tinkered with in the evenings or weekends. Years passed. Their kids grew up. After their last child left home, Ashley was considering how she wanted to spend the next few years. She was tired of office work, so she started bouncing ideas off Paul.

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“I’m thinking of changing jobs so I’m not tied to an office schedule. I was thinking I’d like to start my own business. I’ve been making a little money on the side baking cakes for friends and acquaintances and I wondered what you’d think if I quit my job and went into cake baking?”

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“What do you think the start-up costs would run?” Paul asked.

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“I don’t know,” she confessed. “I have looked at our budget and I think if we cut some costs here and there we can live off of your income. If I manage to sell a few cakes a week to start out, maybe I can earn enough to expand.”

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“What if I were to tell you there are startup funds available?”

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“What? Where?”

 

“Remember the money you let me have to play the market with?” he asked. “Well, I’ve quadrupled our original investment. I could give you back your original investment and a bit more, and still have enough to continue playing the market and building a nest egg for our retirement.”

 

“Oh, Paul, that is the best news ever!” Ashley cried.

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Ashley entrusted her husband with a considerable sum of her money, not because she knew he had solid financial skills but because she had faith in his integrity and commitment. To entrust someone is to have faith not that they will succeed but that they will do their best. Her faith in him paid off with dividends down the road.

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Faith, Trust and Action

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What we are not called to, either as Christians or couples, is blind faith.

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Faith always involves risk, and challenges us to expose our vulnerabilities by trusting and hoping. But misunderstanding faith as trust without reason can lead us into blindness, foolhardiness and even danger. Having faith that your drug addicted wife will kick the habit after years of stealing from you to support her addiction, or hope that your abusive husband’s promise not to hit you will be kept this time--these cannot be what the virtue is supposed to mean in our marriages.

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And it is not. Faith is a way of knowing, and it is rooted in trust.

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As humans, we have limited knowledge and so we usually must make decisions – practical, relational, philosophical – without the luxury of proof. Instead we must trust. Trust is a result of experience, but also of trust in the testimony and witness of others. Do I trust my friend? Do I trust my spouse? Do I trust my senses? Do I trust my reason? Do I trust my own experience?

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Faith seeks understanding, and is a friend of reason. Faith and reason work together to discover truth.

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There are several Biblical examples. When Jesus’ friend Lazarus grows sick, his sisters Mary and Martha send for Jesus. But he comes too late: Lazarus has died. The outspoken Martha rebukes Jesus for not arriving in time to heal her brother. Her faith in Jesus is firm but not blind. When she tells him bluntly that if he had been there, Lazarus would not have died, she is exhibiting complete faith in Jesus’ healing power. But she has reason to; by this time in his mission he has demonstrated his capacity to heal the sick again and again. She does not have faith that he will raise her brother from the dead; she has no reason to believe that this is even possible. Once she witnesses this, her faith grows exponentially.

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Perhaps the most famous Biblical story of faith is that of St. Thomas, who refuses to believe the testimony of his friends and fellow disciples that Jesus has returned from the dead. What often gets overlooked is that Thomas is completely straightforward in stating up front what he needs to be a believer. And although Jesus praises those who believe without having seen, he does not condemn Thomas. Jesus is gracious to Thomas because doubt is not a sin. In fact, Jesus gives Thomas what he asks for. He appears to Thomas and tells him to examine his hands and side.

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Doubts arise when our faith and our reason are in conflict over how to interpret our experiences. Thomas may have doubted, but he knew what he needed to be convinced. He asked to be shown, and Jesus showed him. Such doubts are important; they are invitations to re-examine your faith, and to look for reasons to trust.

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How is love revealed to us? In speech? Through meals? Through companionship? What do we need to feel loved? What do we need to trust? And our vocation requires us to always turn these questions around: How do we reveal to our spouses that we love them? Are we giving them what they need to trust?

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Another Thomas, St. Thomas Aquinas, explains that faith occupies a position between knowledge and opinion. In our marriage we are called to have faith in our spouse based on our knowledge of their strengths. If we know that they can keep their promises we are called to have faith they will this time. If our experience is that they let us down again and again, we are not expected to have faith they will suddenly change their nature (although we may have hope—but we’ll get to that in the next chapter).

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Trust alone is only a part of faith. Trust is built up from the surety of actions over time, while faith is a commitment freely given. Faith is ultimately an act of will, not of emotion or deduction.  According to Thomas Aquinas, faith is an act of the will committing the intellect to believe something with certainty, without any hesitation or hanging back.

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Which brings us to action. For in the Christian tradition, we do not merely have faith, we live our faith. And living in Faith is not possible unless there is action on our part. “Show me your faith apart from your works,” writes the Apostle James, “and I by my works will show you my faith” (James 2:18)

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Faith is a commitment to believe that something that should be true is true, and to act according to that belief. The term “leap of faith” derives from the writing of the philosopher Soren Kierkegaard, who wrote that humans must inevitably make a “qualitative leap” to get from our reflections to the inner conviction required to act.

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“Tim, I’m really feeling neglected,” Renee said. “You promised a few months back that you would spend quality time with me in the evenings and on weekends. It hasn’t really happened. Routinely asking me to play cards or Scrabble every night isn’t exactly fulfilling a commitment to enliven our time together. More often than not it seems that you’re just putting in the time until you can get to some work project you’ve brought home.”

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Tim deeply inhaled. Renee brought this topic to their weekly State of Our Union meetings every few months. Since early in their marriage, Renee had been asking Tim to define work verses home. He had a salaried position and that carried an unspoken understanding that he would work until the assignment was done. Things had escalated when Tim started to take on extra projects temporarily to save money so they could start a family. The extra work had led to an opportunity for a promotion, one he worked hard for. He’d received it a year ago, and he was still trying to prove himself in his new position.

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Meanwhile, Renee pushed on. “Hear me out. I’m not going to rehash the issue. I’m just saying that if nothing is changing, nothing is changing. I’d like you to discuss with me why it isn’t changing.”

 

“You’re not going to ask me to be more attentive because you’ve already done that and I’ve already promised to change,” Tim reflected. “You want to know why in spite of my promises I’m not changing.”

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He sighed. “Look, I’m sorry Renee. I told myself a couple years back that I would simply buckle down and change. But it hasn’t happened. You’ve asked me in so many different ways to address this issue. All I can say is that I am aware of it, and I’m working on it.”

 

“You know that you’re not spending much quality time with me. You’ve tried unsuccessfully to change but you are working on it.” She blinked back a tear. “I’m glad you are fessing up and taking responsibility instead of becoming defensive. That’s a really big step. But it’s not enough, honey. The thing is, I don’t trust that you will really make the effort to change.”

 

“You don’t trust me to keep my commitment to change,” he reflected. He wanted to defend himself but held back. This was the State of their Union meeting and he needed to follow the rules of communication or things would go south very quickly.

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“I have faith in your ability to change,” Renee explained. “And I have faith in our marriage. I think we have everything we need to have a great marriage and a wonderful family. But you’ve been making promises for years and either you make a big start and then it peters out, or you create some set of tepid activities you can fit into your day timer checklist. I need something more than another promise.”

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“Like what?”

 

“I don’t know,” she said. “That’s why we’re having this conversation. You’ve lost my trust and I need you to figure out how to rebuild it. What do you think?”

 

“I don’t know,” Tim admitted. “I feel really defensive right now and I don’t think I should respond. I read a magazine article recently about how husbands often discredit their wives’ perspectives in order to avoid taking their complaints seriously. I recognized myself and I don’t want to be that guy anymore.”

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“Wow,” said Renee. “That really means a lot to me. This might be the first time you’ve taken ownership of this problem. That really gives me hope that you might commit to real change this time. So what do you want to do?”

 

“I admit that in the past I have given apologies and promises but I never completely follow through. The article pointed out that if this was something for my job, I wouldn’t just make a promise, I’d make a plan. So what is different this time is that I’m going to come up with a plan. I won’t just commit to change, I’m going to show you how I’ll change. I’d like you to give me a week to think about this,” he said. “We will pick it up at our next State of Our Union.”

 

A week went by. At the next State of their Union, Tim told her about his week.

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“I approached this like I would a work project. I began by consulting experts. I picked Father Mike at Church, because he led our marriage retreat a couple years ago, and Bill, because he and Sonia have been married so long. Father Mike told me that I can’t make any topics out-of-bounds. I have often tried to shut you down when you start complaining, because I don’t want to hear about my unkept promises, so it’s no wonder you don’t take my promises to heart. Father Mike told me that the very fact that some topics are so volatile for me is a warning sign that I’m trying to run away from myself.”

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Renee’s eyes misted over, “It has been so hurtful when you don’t listen to me and try to shut me down. Thank you for admitting this.”

 

“I had a really long talk with Bill. We covered a lot of ground, but the upshot was that I might have built up a habit of focusing on my feelings and your behavior but that I really need to reverse that if I’m going to change.”

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“So Bill has been a helpful sounding board giving you some concrete ideas about your perspective.”

 

“Yeah, he says I’ve got to shift my perspective completely if I want to change. I’m trying but it’s really hard. I’ve known about reflective listening for years and we try to practice it in our State of Our Union meetings. But whenever you bring up a grievance or tell me I’ve done something that’s hurt you, I immediately start focusing on my feelings, not yours. Bill says that if I don’t change my attitude toward your complaints, I’ll never change my behaviors.”

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“It sounds like you had some healthy conversations. So were you able to come up with a plan?”

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“Yes,” Tim said.

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“First, I will remind myself daily that I work to support my marriage, not the other way around. I will demonstrate this by spending my evenings and weekends with Renee. I will keep a tally of productive work days as well as evenings I bring work home instead of inviting Renee to spend time with me. To ensure transparency, I will let Renee review my schedule and plans whenever she wants. I will seek her absolution if I’ve transgressed against her and need to use a couple time to make up for work I didn’t complete. Every quarter I will tally productive days and family nights versus wasted time and work brought home. If I show a pattern of failing to keep my commitment I will seek additional help.

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Second, I’m going to stop thinking of Renee as being ‘too demanding.’ I’m going to focus on the rewards of being in a close relationship by writing in my daytimer each day at least one thing she’s done to love or support me.

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Third, I’m going to attend counseling to help me reduce my work anxiety. Turns out my company covers counseling for depression, anxiety, anger and other things that can impact work. While counseling will eat up one evening a week, I will not use my counseling appointments and journal writing as an excuse to avoid helping with the cooking and cleaning or for not inviting Renee to spend quality time with me

Fourth, Renee and I have a regularly scheduled feedback time during our State of Our Union, where I agree to listen without interrupting whenever she has comments about my attitudes, my behavior, or how well I’m sticking to my plan. When this happens, I agree to give her a thoughtful, non-defensive response.”

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Tim looked at Renee. “Well, what do you think?”

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“I think you were right,” she said. “Listening to your plan goes a long way toward helping me regain my trust that you are really committed to changing your relationship between me and work. I don’t know if this plan will work, but I really like how specific it is, how transparent it is, and that you have opportunities for me to talk about how it’s going built into it. That gives me a lot of hope.”

 

Tim had agreed with his wife that their marriage was more important than work, but his actions didn’t show it. A continual failure to keep his promises, combined with a tendency to get defensive when this was pointed out, had naturally led to an erosion of trust. Virtues build on one another. Tim’s plan relies heavily on many of the principles from the previous chapter on temperance. However, it’s important to realize that the specifics of the plan, while important to Tim and Renee, aren’t the most important aspect of this discussion. What is important is that Tim understood how and why he had lost his wife’s trust, and set about creating a plan to rebuild it.

 

Faith, Action and Perseverance

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Marriage is a lifelong commitment to journey through life together. Ideally, the passionate love of early marriage gives way over time to a companionate love with humor, sharing and mutual support. But marriage is rarely, if ever, a steady upward movement. There are continual ups and downs, times of profound intimacy and times of distance when couples are distracted by careers, children or other commitments.

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Psychological studies confirm that many people who report at one point that they are unhappy in their marriage will report five years later that they are very happy in their marriage (Waite et. al 2002). The challenge is getting from happy times, through the periods of distance and distraction to the happy times ahead. This requires perseverance, and faith is crucial to this process.

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In marriage, faith is often a commitment to act with love toward our spouses when we are feeling distant, disaffected or distracted. Faith is a commitment to act out the marriage we want, rather than the marriage we have, with the understanding (and hope!) that in doing so we will be creating that kind of marriage.

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There is an interesting passage in the Gospel of Luke that addresses this issue. The Apostles ask Jesus to strengthen their faith. He tells them that if they have faith equal to a tiny mustard seed, they can work miraculous deeds. This seems to imply that they are lacking even that tiny bit of faith. But then Jesus immediately launches into a parable about a servant with a demanding master. After working in the fields all day, he is then expected to care for his master’s needs before taking care of his own. Jesus concludes: “So you also, when you have done everything you were told to do, should say, ‘We are unworthy servants; we have only done our duty.’”

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This is a bit of a scriptural puzzle. Why is faith tied to obedience and labor in this way? Isn’t faith an issue of mind and spirit?

 

Jesus’ answer to his disciples’ request for more faith suggests that more faith is not really the issue. Faith is not measured so much by its quantity, but by its presence. Even a mustard seed sized faith will accomplish impossible things. The real need, Jesus seems to be saying through his parable, is that we need to go above and beyond in acting out our faith.

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In this interpretation, Jesus is offering a correction to the disciples’ request. He is saying: Don’t wait around for increased faith. You just need a tiny amount of genuine faith to accomplish what is humanly impossible. Instead of asking for more, focus on your duties, and don't stop merely at what you are called to do; focus on the spirit of what you are called to do and do more.

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Jesus is tying faith to action: Even a tiny bit of faith means we know what we are called to do--the task is to get out there and do more than we are obliged to. In which case, we will have more faith.

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John Paul II writes about marriage as a journey of faith. He also writes about people losing faith in their marriage. The way out that he advocates is perseverance: holding onto faith in your spouse and your vocation by acting it, even when you are struggling with doubt.

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As we’ve seen throughout this book, the essence of the marital sin is self-gratification--using the other to meet your need to be loved, to be pleasured, to be nurtured or cared for, rather than serving the Other in accordance with the divine model. It’s a subtle distinction because there is nothing wrong—and everything right!—with accepting the service of others. It is wrong to expect, demand or force such service. John Paul II describes the problem thus: we are given to one another by God to have the opportunity to love as he loves, but because of sin we fall into a desire for self-gratification at the expense of one another.

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When people are used instead of loved, it inflicts deep personal wounds on husbands, wives, and their children who, in turn, often grow up to repeat the same fallen patterns of relating. Hence, it becomes easy to lose faith in marriage. In scripture, Moses conceded to human weakness and allowed divorce. Yet, as Jesus says, “For your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce.” But then he adds that “from the beginning it was not so” (Mt 19:8).

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The Church sees the origin of marriage as a sacrament in Jesus’ miracle at Cana, where the wine runs out but Jesus is able to restore it. When couples have “run out of the wine” needed to live out their marital vocation, faith is the reservoir to which they must turn for more wine. It doesn’t take more than a mustard seed’s worth, as long as you have the will to act.

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“I was wondering if you’ve been thinking about returning to college when Kevin heads off this fall?” asked John.

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This again? Stacy thought. Her sudden feeling of defensiveness warned her that she should listen reflectively before she answered.  “You think I might want to return to college to complete that degree I passed up.”

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“Well, yeah, I thought you might have a dream of doing something more fulfilling than shelving books and leading story time.”

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“Hmm. You see my job as less rewarding than a professional position I could get with a college degree. You would like a wife with a college degree.”

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“Don’t you regret giving up your college degree?”

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Stacy thought about it. She and John had met in college when she was a freshman and he was a senior. By the end of the school year they were in love and moved in together. John found a professional position in town so he could be with Stacy while she continued her information science degree.

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Then she got pregnant. Overwhelmed by the idea of telling her folks about her situation, she grabbed John’s suggestion that they get married and then present all of it to her parents in one confession.

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They went to the Justice of the Peace, then to her parents. While they expressed disappointment in her, her parents also wanted the couple to have a Church wedding--and to do it quickly before Stacy looked obviously pregnant.

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Stacy dropped out of school to focus on the wedding and her pregnancy. Their first child was soon followed by another and she never returned to complete her degree. When their youngest entered kindergarten, Stacy went to work at the local library. It was easy clerical work, not particularly engaging, affording her the flexibility to focus on mothering and raising their kids. After a few years, John fit classes in around his work schedule and completed his MA, which helped him advance in his career. He loved taking classes and had at various junctures in their lives urged Stacy to return to the university and complete her degree.

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Apparently as they were becoming empty nesters, this was again on his mind.

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“No, I don’t regret choosing to focus on raising the kids instead of completing college,” she said. “I don’t think I ever said anything to give you the idea I felt cheated out of my degree. Do you think I’ve blamed you for it?”

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“Not personally, no,” said John. “Honestly you have always taken the loss so gracefully. I guess, if it were me, I would have been upset. My profession is such a part of my identity. I don’t know who I’d be if I hadn’t completed my degrees.”

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“I don’t share that with you.,” Stacy said. “I think I took the better part for me. I like working for others and helping them achieve their goals. I guess I’m a Martha by nature.”

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“I just want us to be clear,” she continued. “My life has not been on hold. I did not hang in here all these years waiting until I could get my degree. That ship sailed a long time ago and, frankly, I’m glad it did. I love you. I love our kids. I love our family. I committed to this scenario and I have remained faithful to it. I have not wasted time holding onto a dream of who I could be once the kids were grown.”

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“I’ve suffered at times in our relationship, but it’s been because I felt unevenly yoked due to our different priorities and callings. We’ve talked about that a lot over the years. I’ve wanted you to be more service oriented, to be more industrious around the house and yard, and help me more with raising the kids. Those were real resentments. I never resented you and the kids for being an impediment to getting my college degree.”

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“You’ve never been subtle about wanting more help and wishing I was as good as solving domestic issues as I am at solving people’s professional problems,” John said.

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Stacy laughed. “John, I’ve come to accept that you are a thinker not a doer. And that’s fine. A lot of my resentments arose because I was trying to put my faith in you, trying to trust that you would change to be more like me. Then one day I had a revelation. My faith and trust needed to be in our vocation. I started focusing on what I can trust you to bring to our family. I trust you to support my plans. I trust you to help the kids with their homework. Our kids come to you for advice because you do such a good job of listening and drawing them out. You are a great cook, and I love the dinner conversations you lead. You are present to them in ways I’m not because I’m so busy serving. I appreciate you being there for them and fulfilling this role for our family.”

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John and Stacy both have unique roles to play in their particular marriage. Their faith in one another, and in their vocations, has been troubled at times because each saw the other in terms of themselves. John saw Stacy as burdened and trapped by her service to the family, while Stacy at times failed to see John’s contributions to the family because they were very different than hers. 

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Loving the other as other requires having faith in the spouse for what they bring to the family, rather than focusing on their failures to meet your expectations. Stacy told John that she has a different calling than his, that serving her family and working in service to others is her calling. John is called to a more contemplative profession and he brings his contemplative calling to his family life as well.

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Faith and Vulnerability

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One of the most peculiar things about faith that runs through both contemporary psychology and the Gospels is that the opposite of faith is not doubt, but fear.

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The ability to imagine, to envision, to anticipate and to predict, which makes humans so remarkable, is also one of our greatest challenges. It allows us to be aware of the ambiguities and uncertainties of our lives and to feel anxious about them, and it enables us to imagine strong, negative responses to our actions. And there are two emotions that people fear above all:  shame and grief.

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No one wants to feel shame or grief; that’s why fear of these emotions can cripple us. Fear of negative outcomes that hurt us in our most vulnerable places can lead us to hesitate or remain silent and inactive even when there is evidence suggesting our actions might be well received.

 

In Hell, spouses refuse shame and grief by turning to anger. In Purgatory, wrath remains a great temptation for dealing with shame and grief. But in this chapter we are dealing with marriages that have eliminated wrath as an option. They still must deal with their fears, and the best way to do this is to develop the virtue of faith.

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Faith is the virtue that enables us to move forward in spite of our fears, and to speak in the face of our anxieties. Faith allows us to be open and vulnerable in our relationships.

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In her book The Gifts of Imperfection, psychologist Brene Brown defines Faith as “a place of mystery, where we find the courage to believe in what we cannot see and the strength to let go of our fear of uncertainty.” She explains faith as the will to believe, in the face of anxiety and fear that we can be open and vulnerable and still be accepted and loved.

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Nothing is more alone than dwelling in shame. But there are few joys greater than knowing that we can be vulnerable and broken, yet be loved and welcomed rather than shamed and shunned. The great challenge for all families is to meet vulnerability with equal openness and vulnerability.

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In Amoris Letitiae Pope Francis writes that “Those who know that their spouse is always suspicious, judgmental and lacking unconditional love, will tend to keep secrets, conceal their failings and weaknesses, and pretend to be someone other than who they are. On the other hand, a family marked by loving trust, come what may, helps its members to be themselves and spontaneously to reject deceit, falsehood, and lies.”

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Or, as Brown puts it “Vulnerability without boundaries leads to disconnection, distrust and disengagement” while mutually respectful vulnerability leads to increased connection, trust and engagement.

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Creating mutually respectful vulnerability means creating rules that will turn our families into safe spaces.

 

Writing “Catholic doctrine and discipline may be walls; but they are the walls of a playground,” G.K. Chesterton offered in his book Orthodoxy a lovely metaphor of how rules create safe spaces:

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We might fancy some children playing on the flat grassy top of some tall island in the sea. So long as there was a wall round the cliff's edge they could fling themselves into every frantic game and make the place the noisiest of nurseries. But the walls were knocked down, leaving the naked peril of the precipice. They did not fall over; but when their friends returned to them they were all huddled in terror in the center of the island; and their song had ceased.

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The precipice here is shame, guilt, pain and alienation. The walls must be agreements about how to welcome and embrace the vulnerability of our partner. And make no mistake: constructing such boundaries is an enormous challenge for any family precisely because our lives are intertwined, and our own confessions of shame and guilt can often evoke strong emotional reactions from our loved ones, for they are often involved in, and affected by, the situations that produced our pain.

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What do these rules look like? They will be different for every family but at the very least they must ensure that the vulnerable spouse is not met with criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling, and must seek to ensure gentleness, appreciation, acceptance and understanding.

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When baby Ariana hit her head, Alba and Marco initially thought nothing of it. The toddler was creeping along the furniture when the ratan chair slid away from her, taking the rug with it. She smacked her head hard on the floor. They kissed her, and distracted her and soothed her until her sobs gave way to hiccups. She barely ate any lunch, but she nursed to sleep. There were no lumps or visible bruises. As Marco said, “it’s not her first tumble and I doubt it will be her last.”

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Alba and Marco were married for about 5 years, and they were barely squeaking by financially while first Alba and then Marco finished graduate school. Alba completed her degree first and got a job with a decent salary but money was still tight because her student loans ate up a lot of it. Marco was pursuing a PhD and needed at least 4-7 years to complete his program. He juggled part-time work with his graduate studies. There never seemed to be enough stretch to their income and they constantly did without.

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Although Ariana didn’t eat any better that evening, she went to sleep easily. In the morning she was irritable and cranky. She turned her head and pushed the spoon away when Alba tried to feed her. Surprisingly, Ariana fell promptly to sleep at the breast. Alba rose as gently as possible in order to rise without waking her. Walking as lightly as possible, she carried Ariana to her crib and laid her gently down to sleep.

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But before Alba had cleared up the dishes she heard Ariana crying again. Alba hurried in to collect her. Ariana was sitting up groggily and making a shrill whining noise. Alba scooped her up, “Oh, honey, you are so miserable today. Whoa!” Ariana suddenly spewed vomit which miraculously missed Alba and hit the floor as Alba turned to lay her on the changing table.

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“Oh, goodness, maybe you’re sick and that’s why you’ve been having such a bad day.” Alba called their pediatrician, who asked her to come in so they could check Ariana over.

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“The doctor thinks she has a touch of flu,” Alba told Marco when he called. It was Alba’s day off, but Marco had classes. “She had a slight fever. He told me to keep her hydrated and if all she’d do is nurse then by all means do that. I picked up Pedialyte as well.”

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At this point it was 1 pm and Ari was looking groggy. Alba nursed her and put her in her crib. Then she grabbed lunch for herself and cleaned up the kitchen. After settling down she couldn’t calm down, feeling a little anxious she peeked into the baby’s room. Ari was breathing deeply so Alba relaxed and decided to lie down for a nap herself.

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Alba woke to silence. She quickly looked at the clock. It had been an hour. Ari had been sleeping now for 2 ½ hours. That was unusual as the baby normally slept an hour at most. When she peaked in at her, Ari was awake, and staring blankly at the ceiling.

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Alba leaned over into the crib looking directly into Ariana’s face. “Hey, bugaboo, how are you feeling now.?”

Ariana didn’t turn at the sound of her voice, or even smile. “Sweety?” Alba scooped her up and had to quickly catch her head as it flopped. Alba’s stomach dropped. Carefully holding Ariana in her arms, she phoned her doctor who told her to go to the emergency room immediately.

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Alba called the department secretary and asked her to give Marco the message that Ari had taken a turn for the worse and she was now headed to the hospital. “Tell Marco to meet me there.”

 

Alba never remembered the drive to the hospital as she was out of her mind with worry. She remembered being in the emergency room and Marco arriving. The ER doctors determined Ariana was quite possibly dehydrated and also screened her for meningitis.

 

Alba asked the resident technician to check on the spot where Ariana had fallen the day before. “I noticed when I caught her flopping head earlier that this spot is feeling spongy.”

 

“Oh, that’s typical,” he responded. “Babies’ heads are still so malleable.”

 

Around 10 pm Ariana was on an IV and settled into a room in pediatrics. Marco suggested to Alba that she should go home and sleep, while he sat up with Ari. Alba accepted that she would do better with a good night’s sleep, while Marco was used to pulling all-nighters.

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But as she was climbing into bed the phone rang, “Hello?”

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“Oh, honey, Ari wasn’t showing any signs of recovery so the resident suggested they check out why her head felt spongy where you pointed it out.”

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Alba’s chest constricted. “What happened?”

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“They did a CT Scan and discovered an excessive amount of fluid. When she fell yesterday, she must have burst a blood vessel. They have contacted a neurosurgeon and will be doing surgery as soon as possible.”

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“Oh, my God. I’ll be right there.”

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Alba returned the phone to its cradle and burst into tears. Sobbing, she walked to the bathroom, dropped her nightgown and stepped into the shower, willing the day away. Images of baby deaths, forlorn parents, and gravestones with teddy bears resting against them flooded her. Letting water wash over her she took control of her breathing.

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“I am powerless to change any of this. Dear Lord, I am ready to accept whatever may come.” Alba choked on a sob. “Lord, I don’t want to accept the worst, give me strength. Give me courage. Help me through this.”

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Toweling off, dressing and driving once again to the hospital Alba repeated, “Breathe in, Jesus help me, breathe out, come Holy Spirit. Breathe in, Jesus help me, breathe out, come Holy Spirit. Breathe in, Jesus help me, breathe out, come Holy Spirit. Breathe in, Jesus help me, breathe out, come Holy Spirit…”

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Marco was standing in the waiting room looking small and lost. Alba embraced him, “Oh, my God.”

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“Yes, let’s sit and pray.”

 

“Lord, be with us. Be with Ariana. Be with her doctors. Abide in us. Fill us with hope. Give us courage. Help us find strength.” Time seemed to fall away as prayer filled them, centered them and helped them contain themselves from shattering into a million pieces.

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Ariana’s fall was typical. Her injury was not. It was something that could happen to anyone, but happens to only a very few. It was a terrifying reminder that the universe is not under our control. We move through the world on faith and sometimes that trust that everything will continue as normal is shattered.

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Faced with the desperate fear that they might lose their daughter, Alba and Marco did not allow fear to consume them, turning, as many couples do, to anger, blaming or shaming. Instead, they came together in prayer when their faith in the normalcy of the world was shaken to its core. The couple prayed for their baby’s recovery, of course; but they also prayed for the strength to bear whatever comes. Their faith is about finding meaning and purpose and trust again in the face of catastrophe.

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In one of his letters, C.S. Lewis offers the following parable to explain this:

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Two travelers came to a rickety bridge over a deep, rocky ravine. The first man thought about the goodness of God and convinced himself that the bridge would hold up till they had crossed over safely. He called this assurance Faith.

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The second man looked at the bridge and thought to himself, It might hold up and it might not. But whether my life ends today or at some other time, whether here or somewhere else, I am always in God’s hands.

The two men started across. The bridge did give way and neither man survived. The first man’s faith was unfulfilled; the second man’s was not.

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Without faith, we might find it impossible to expect that things would turn out all right for us after a catastrophic life event.. Life is precious, and it can also be remarkably difficult at times. Faith helps to get us through, illuminating the pathway in times of darkness, and helping reach out to our loved ones for strength in times of weakness. Without faith, we are alone.

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