The Slothful Marriage

Sometimes what gets in the way of marriage is not a desire for physical pleasures or things, but an obsessive desire for leisure itself.

 

Sloth is the desire for ease, even at the expense of one’s relationships. Whatever we do in life requires effort. In a marriage, everything we do is supposed to be at the service of our spouse, and our relationship. The slothful person is unwilling to work at the marriage because of the effort it takes to do it. Sloth ruins relationships when it slows down and even brings to a halt the energy we must expend in maintaining our marriages.

 

In theology, sloth describes a spiritual malaise, a refusal to take action. While the slothful do little or no active evil, they squander their talents, time and energy instead of putting it to work for their family.

 

Dwayne and Laura came to see Dawna initially at the request of Laura's physician, who was concerned over her excessive weight gain and high blood pressure; he believed that unless she learned to reduce her stress and control her diet, she might develop more serious complications.

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Dawna noticed that Dwayne was also overweight. He made a point that he was not inclined to pursue a health regimen that included diet and exercise. "You only go around once," he said with an awkward laugh. "I mean, right? Why shouldn't I enjoy the time I have?"

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Laura responded with irritation. "I have been with Dwayne now for nearly eight years. That's his attitude about everything. The thing is, he is so lazy that he doesn't make any effort to help me with things like cleaning our apartment. He says he’s willing to help but that it's my job to tell him what to do."  Laura raised her voice in inflection at the end, as if questioning the sanity of her husband.

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"So, I have done this on multiple occasions. I'll ask him to try and remember the simple fact that 'our apartment needs to be cleaned thoroughly once a week. I cannot see how this is so hard to remember. Again I have tried every method of delegation, even chore charts. He just tries to not help me out unless I get so upset and overwhelmed with doing everything that I lose it."

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Dwayne defended himself by blaming his wife. "My wife is a dear, sweet woman but she is not as energetic as she's trying to make herself out to be. She sleeps more than 12 hours every night and only gets up right at the last minute to get the kids ready for school."

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"Sometimes I truly believe that she can't stand to spend 5 minutes with either of them.  This summer break is already a nightmare!  She has a part time job, works about 10 hrs a week and does absolutely nothing around the house.  I cook, when we eat at home, I make the kid's lunches, I do the grocery shopping, I take out the trash...." He crossed his arms over his chest and stuck out his chin.

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Laura picked up the conversation immediately. "He keeps getting annoyed with me when I 'moan', -- and that’s his word, not mine -- about the situation, but this just enrages me more. I should be the one who has a problem with the situation – not him. I have tried so hard to help him, but I feel like he's not putting in as much effort as he could and this makes me feel like he's taking advantage of me."

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"Taking advantage of her? Taking advantage of you? The things I do around the house are on top of my 50-plus hours a week at work.  If I leave the office five mins later than I told her I would, she has a fit.  She works three half days. You would think at least on her days off she would fix something for dinner. That's a laugh.  She spends her day napping and playing games on her phone.  If I suggest that she do something with the kids, it's always too hot, it's too boring, there's nothing fun to do. I tell no lie, she complains more about being bored than any teenager does. 

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"She is on antidepressants that her old doctor said he didn't think she needed anymore, so she now has a new doctor!  Then she complains that she is too tired to cook, play, do anything but lay around the house until I get home so we can go out to eat. 

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"Sex? I remember sex - vaguely.  When we do have sex, about every 2 to 3 months, it's like she is treating me. 

She lays there until I'm done, then it's off to sleep.  Once, when I was trying to convince her to have sex, she really said, ‘we just had sex last month.’  And she was serious!  Occasionally she will get a cleaning bug up her butt, but of course it is always late in the evening or on the weekend, when I am there to help!"

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I asked them to think of a time when they were first together that brought them joy in their companionship. Laura started to answer, but it quickly returned to criticism: "We can talk to each other about anything, and Dwayne is very understanding. But the problem is he is just plain lazy most of the time. He won't do anything unless he absolutely has too, or if I nag him about it. The laundry doesn't get done unless I do it, or if I ask him about five times to do it."

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Laura seemed to recall that she was asked to focus on a positive feature of their relationship so she started again. "Sometimes he surprises me and makes the bed. He also makes dinner sometimes, but then again, he likes to make dinner. Our room gets messy, and the only one who cleans it is me, unless I ask him, but then he gets in a mood because he has to clean his own mess. He always leaves his clothes on the floor. I told him a couple of times that I wouldn't wash any clothes that were not in the hamper. But then I feel bad and wash them anyway."

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Laura could not keep from sliding into a negative spiral. There was very little she could notice that was positive about her husband. I looked at Dwayne expecting him to give his response.

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"Yeah, when we were dating we really did talk about anything and everything,” he said. “She was also a lot more affectionate back then. I don't know why she is so fussy now. Maybe it's just that there is so much more to do with two kids, but it really seems to me like I do everything from cooking meals, vacuuming, trash, dishes... you name it. And she has the audacity to constantly tell me that I'm lazy and do nothing!”

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“She's turned our five year old against me," he added plaintively.

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Laura snorted. "He's let her be a princess and now she's just spoiled. I didn't do anything to turn her against him. She gets sassy when he won’t give her what she wants."

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"It's the way you talk to me. She's just imitating you."

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"Oh, please." Laura rolled her eyes, then looked at me. "I absolutely hate having to be his mother and maid all the time. The thing is I would just like him to take it upon himself to do some things. It's not like he does typical man work around the house, like mowing the lawn or fixing things either. I love him with all my heart, and I want to be with him forever, but this really bugs me.

 

"I have talked to him about it in the past, and things change for about 2 or 3 days, then we are right back to normal. During the hours I am not at my part-time job, I have to do all the chores that need to be done. During his downtime, he generally does nothing. He lays around or sits on the computer.  I have also asked that he make an effort to organize things for us to do, for example, go out for a drink together. I feel it's always me that makes all the effort. If I didn't plan things for us to do, I know for a fact that we would just sit at home in front of the TV every night, staring at the screen--not talking to each other and he'd have the laptop on his lap all night!!"

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The church describes marriage as a sacrament of vocation, a commitment to a life work. Marriage is always a work in progress. In the slothful marriage, one or both partners recognize that the practice of married life is beset with difficulties, and they chafe under the restraints imposed by serving their families. The life of nurturing, comforting and caring for the spouse appears like a long, weary journey from which there is no escape. The person's soul grows sluggish at the thought of serving. The idea of self-sacrificing love inspires not joy but despair, because of the work it requires.

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The slothful marriage is not only dysfunctional, the partners know their marriage is not working. But they will not make the effort to figure out the specifics, much less to solve their many problems.

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There are many reasons that marriages become infected by sloth.

 

1. One reason is a sense of entitlement, a belief that the goods of marriage are somehow tied to the estate itself, not to the mutual work of the two partners.  The husband thinks, for example, "My wife should love me because I'm her husband, not because I work to win her love daily."
    

2. And the reverse is also true. Many people believe that the feeling of love should inspire their actions, as it often does during courtship and the honeymoon. "I used to bring my husband coffee when he had to work late because I felt so much love and wanted to make him happy," thinks the wife. "Now it's just too much work."
    

3. Another reason is fear. The slothful spouse fails to take action out of fear that their spouse will respond badly, or for fear that they will make a bad situation worse.
    

4. Yet another reason is mistrust. The slothful spouse is often afraid that anything he or she does will become “their job” from then on. If both spouses fall into this trap, soon they find themselves in a competition to see who can do the least in their marriage, and a downward spiral results.

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Dwayne and Laura are caught up in just such a downward spiral. Each is vying to be the least responsible partner in service to the relationship. Each accuses the other of laziness and uses this as an excuse to let go of their own obligation to work on the household and their marriage.

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The spiritual condition of sloth is closely related to the emotional condition of depression, a fact observed by St. Thomas Aquinas. When you fail to do the good you knows you could have, it can create a depressed feeling that makes it difficult to get up the energy to do the next good act you are capable of, until gradually you sink into the complete lethargy of depression. Meanwhile your marriage—and the rest of your life—falls apart around you.

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What do we do about Sloth?​​