Giving Justice

On the feast of St. Valentine in 2014, Pope Francis urged a group of more than 20,000 engaged couples gathered in St. Peter’s Square not to be afraid of building a permanent and loving relationship in a culture where everything else is temporary and disposable. One secret to a loving and lasting union, he said, involves saying three key phrases over and over each day: “Please (or “may I?”),” “Thank you” and "I'm sorry."

 

On the surface, the Pope’s advice might seem simplistic, even banal. And yet, there is a wealth of wisdom in those words. The Pope’s advice involves families practicing courtesy, a form of everyday politeness that seems to have gone out of style. But Francis is not encouraging courtesy simply because he is old-fashioned; he is encouraging courtesy because courtesy is an expression of one of the most fundamental virtues in a heavenly marriage: Justice. 

 

What is justice? Plato offered a simple definition: justice is rendering to each their due. A steady teaching of the Bible is that God stands for justice and wants us to stand for it too. Jesus says, "Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for righteousness." Justice thus means doing the right thing. Or, to state it negatively, it means not cheating, not taking advantage, and not denying someone their rights. 

 

Giving other people their due requires us to fully recognize that the other people in our lives are full persons in themselves. Like you, these people have goals and struggles, flaws and needs, and  many of these issues have nothing to do with you. Justice requires us to strive to see our loved ones, our friends and our coworkers, neighbors and strangers--and even our rivals and enemies--as people in and of themselves and not just in terms of how they affect us and fit into our lives.

 

The second layer of Dante’s Paradise is filled with souls whose chief virtue was justice. The emperor Justinian is among them, explaining to Dante what a fool he was for letting his ambition and pride at being a Caesar mar his virtues, since in Heaven his earthly titles matter not at all. 

  

In marriage, justice requires us to continually examine our partnership not only to see how equally we are yoked, but to consider how well we appreciate one another’s contributions and communicate about them.

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This is easier said than done. That’s because there is a paradox at the heart of Christian justice in marriage. On the one hand, we are called to imitate Christ: to give to one another unstintingly and without counting costs, even unto our very lives. On the other hand, we are only human; people who give and give without ever receiving eventually come to the end of themselves.

 

What does justice look like in a marriage?  Aside from courtesy, we can generally find four key elements in a just marriage: integrity, collaboration, humility, and responsibility.

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Integrity

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Integrity refers to a consistency of character that is exhibited through a wholehearted practice of living according to a clear set of principles.

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Living together with a commitment to shared values is associated with improved relationship quality. For example, a 2002 study found that individuals who exhibit strong commitment to living out their values and principles are more likely to form stable, fulfilling relationships. By living their values, these individuals create an atmosphere of trust and respect, fostering stronger connections with one another.

 

In marriage, this requires both spouses to have “buy-in” on a set of shared beliefs with which they can both act in accordance. An essential aspect of integrity is the avoidance of a “double-standard” in which a spouse holds their partner to a different standard than that to which they hold themselves.
 

Collaboration

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A central aspect of marriage is that of partnering, of working together toward a common set of goals and dreams. In a just marriage, the spouses are true partners, equally yoked. In some cases, this may mean that they divide their work equally, both spouses putting in the same amount of time and energy. In other cases, they may divide the load equitably, with each spouse taking on the tasks that best suit them, their talents, or their availability.

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When Steve and Dianne were first married they had an ideal of sharing their household chores equally and both working professionally a similar number of hours. Initially they divided up their chores along typical gender roles. He emptied the trash and she did the dishes. She sorted and folded laundry while he carried it to and from the laundry room. They traded chores around the apartment since either one was equally capable of cleaning a toilet or cleaning a stove. They cooked together, or took turns. 

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This harmonious relationship did not persist, however, because Dianne and Steve had different standards for cleanliness. Dianne insisted that they needed to always clean up after themselves in the moment to avoid leaving a trail of used dishes, discarded clothing or trash in their wake. She couldn’t stand the way such detritus piled up until tables and chairs became too cluttered to use.

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Steve believed that it was fine to have a set clean-up time at the end of the day if possible, or even just once a week if he was busy. When Dianne complained, he’d say, “Just remind me, because I don’t even notice what I’ve left behind. I can’t remember if it’s my glass or yours.” But Steve would also forget to do the chores they'd agreed were “his” chores. For example, he’d forget to take out the trash until Dianne reminded him the trash bin was full. Sometimes, if she reminded him at night, or when he was in the midst of a project, he’d just put a paper bag next to the trash bin to collect the overflow until he could get to it. This situation did not appeal to Dianne’s sense of cleanliness. 

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When they added children to the mix, the workload increased exponentially. Children create their own trails of detritus, even as they consume more and more of their parents’ time with doctor’s appointments, play dates and other scheduled activities. Dianne and Steve initially believed they would divide these activities. But Steve would forget that Monday was little Jeni’s medical check up and accidentally schedule an important meeting.

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Steve’s job often required him to work more than a 9-5 schedule, so he’d expect Dianne to carry more of the after work childcare so he could complete his work. Over time, Dianne reduced her own work hours so that she could be available as the primary parent. She gradually took over most of the household organization, as well as chauffeuring kids to appointments and activities. By that point, Steve was also completely reliant on her. He thanked her for taking on the tasks that best suited their family’s needs, and told her that he appreciated her “natural” talents at organization and childcare. Dianne appreciated his praise, but wanted a fairer division of the burdens. She resented Steve’s attitude that her skill set automatically made her the “first responder,” rather than sharing that role.

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Finally, Dianne had enough. At the beginning of their weekly planning meeting, Diane told Steve she was tired of being the first responder, reminding him of their ideal of sharing the load equally. Steve listened with surprise as she vented her frustrations. He thought she agreed with him that his job was more important because it brought in most of the income, and that caring for the family was the best use of her time and talent. 

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However, instead of defending himself, he listened to his very frustrated wife, drawing on his reflective listening skills and empathizing with her emotions. As she wound down to a place where she could begin to entertain solutions, Steve suggested that there are apps he could look into that would put his routine chores on a reminder chart. If he emptied the trash every Monday and Friday, for example, regardless of how full it was, he could keep up with chores before they got out of hand. He was also willing to  handle all of the food tasks, from meal planning and grocery shopping to cooking morning and evening meals. 

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Dianne suggested they break down all their household tasks and divide them up between them, perhaps even drawing from a hat, so that neither one got away with cherry picking the best jobs. After they had drawn their tasks, they decided that there were a few things they would reallocate based on time constraints or aptitude. Steve was a computer guru, and Dianne was anything but, so having Dianne be the point person for seeing computers were backed up and issues with kids’ laptops resolved didn’t make sense. In the end, they came to an amiable division of labor in which each promised to support the other’s efforts.

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Humility

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Humility gets a bad rap sometimes, because people equate it with meekness and acquiescence. But what humility actually means is being totally grounded in reality, being able to see things -- and especially yourself -- as they are. 

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Spiritually, an awareness of how little you and your life matters in the vast sweep of time and space from a purely material viewpoint allows you to more fully appreciate your blessings, and the significance of being loved by God. In your marriage, it makes three things particularly possible. 

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1. First, true humility gives you the ability to appreciate what your spouse does for you, without regard for what you wish they would do, or feel you have a “right” to.

2. Second, humility allows us to forgive, again and again, because as humble people we are aware of how much we, too, stand in need of forgiveness.

3. Finally, humility involves the ability to let go of ourselves enough to really see how things look from our spouse’s perspective.

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Responsibility

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Because humility enables us to see situations from our spouse’s point of view, it engenders in us the need to take responsibility for our actions, and how they may have hurt our loved ones regardless of our intentions. The ability to take responsibility for one’s actions is crucial for a just marriage.

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Meagan and Kevin had raised three lovely daughters. Frequently, when they gathered for holidays and other events, nostalgia would set in and they would begin telling stories of their past histories. Inevitably stories would be shared about Kevin’s foibles in parenting or his absent-minded actions that cost a daughter this or that due to his forgetfulness. While everyone told funny stories about everyone else, Kevin resented the fact that a majority of the jokes seemed to be about him. More and more, every family get-together left him feeling the butt of the jokes. 

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This issue came to a head just after the last family gathering. Someone made a joke about Kevin spending a long time in the bathroom so that he could get away from all the women of the family. Someone topped that joke by calling the bathroom his “man cave.” In fact, as Kevin got older, he found himself needing to spend longer on the toilet to have a bowel movement. He was embarrassed by the fact, and while no one joked directly about his age or health, he experienced these bathroom jokes as particularly humiliating.

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Even if said in jest, some jokes and some forms of teasing just aren't funny. All of us have some areas of our lives that are off limits when it comes to teasing and joking. Yes, we can take a joke. Yes, we do have a sense of humor. Light (and not-so-light) insult humor has become almost a national pastime. When one is the butt of the jokes, they may try to shrug them off as harmless, but the jokes may still sting. And if you are the one getting laughs at others' expense, you may be revealing something about yourself, your own insecurities, and relationships.

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Kevin brought his hurt feelings to Meagan and told her how much he resented these jokes at his expense. He asked why she continued to take part in the telling of these stories and if she was trying to hurt him. Meagan was quite taken aback. She had seen her husband as a pretty thick skinned guy, secure in himself, and hadn’t realized how much the stories were getting to him. As she reflectively listened to his wounded pride, she couldn’t honestly say why she hadn’t considered that these stories might be hurting his feelings. Learning that from her spouse’s perspective the stories were hurtful rather than humorous was enough for Meagan to agree not to tell or encourage such stories in the future.

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Everyday Justice

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Integrity, collaboration, humility and responsibility are all important aspects of everyday justice, rooted in a recognition of our spouse’s uniqueness and free will. In Amoris Letitia Pope Francis offers us a little more insight into his emphasis on courtesy. Marriage brings together two unique individuals and they should not expect to be the same or to agree on everything, he writes. He states that the unity sought in marriage is not uniformity, but a “unity in diversity,” or “reconciled diversity.” Ideally, “the combination of two different ways of thinking can lead to a synthesis that enriches both.” What is truly important is the ability to share our differences with sensitivity as to how our opinions and actions might hurt one another.

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The ability to say what one is thinking without offending the other person is important. Words should be carefully chosen so as not to offend, especially when discussing difficult issues. Making a point should never involve venting anger and inflicting hurt. A patronizing tone only serves to hurt, ridicule, accuse and offend others. Many disagreements between couples are not about important things. Mostly they are about trivial matters. What alters the mood, however, is the way things are said or the attitude with which they are said.

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This brings us back to courtesy. Courtesy involves showing respect for one another by acknowledging that the marital relationship is one of equality, generosity and mutual caring. Pope Francis’s suggestion that couples can launch themselves into courtesy by saying “please,” “thank you”, and “I’m sorry” works, because these phrases express the characteristics of integrity, collaboration, humility, and responsibility. 

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Saying “please” acknowledges that you recognize that you are part of a partnership. It acknowledges that the partner is an equal who doesn’t “owe” their service, but must be petitioned, even for actions your spouse has already agreed to do. It humbly communicates a need for help and reminds the spouse gently of their promises and obligations.

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Saying “thank you” serves many of the same functions as please: It acknowledges that you are part of a partnership and shows appreciation for the spouse’s stepping up to do their part.

 

When you are the one who has fallen down on the job, saying “I’m sorry,” is a powerful way to humbly acknowledge that you failed to give the other person their due, and it reaffirms your commitment to the team and willingness to try to do better next time.

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Practical Advice

 

Using the Courtesies. In his 2014 St. Valentine’s Day address, Pope Francis suggested that everyday courtesy can be seen as following a rule of seven: the just man sins seven times a day, the pope said, quoting an old proverb; therefore one should assume that if they have not said “I’m sorry” to their spouse seven times each day, they have probably been insufficiently apologetic. We can apply the same rule of seven to the tasks of saying “please” and saying “thank you.” Here’s how:

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• Examination of Conscience. An examination of conscience is the act of looking prayerfully into our hearts to ask how we have hurt our relationships with God and other people through our thoughts, words, and actions. While the examination of conscience is strongly associated by Catholics with the sacrament of reconciliation, many spiritual advisors call us to a daily examination of conscience, an opportunity to reflect on how we have fulfilled our vocation, and where we have fallen short. One way to reinforce our use of everyday courtesies is to consider our use of  please, thank you and I’m sorry. Asking ourselves if we have used each of these phrases at least seven times will help us focus on the virtue of justice in our marriage, as reflected in the respect and courtesy due our spouses. 

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• Courtesy Tracking. If your examination of conscience reveals that you aren’t using the courtesies very often, you might take action to teach yourself to build the habit. There are many techniques for tracking behaviors and building habits and even apps that will send you reminders and rewards. Mark once spent a month carrying a pocketful of beads. On weekdays, when he was at work most of the day, he would put seven beads in his left pocket and each time he used one of the courtesies with his wife, he would transfer a bead to the other pocket. On weekends, when he spent the whole day with his spouse, he did the same process with 21 beads. At the end of the day he would count the beads to see how many times he'd been courteous to his wife. The goal, of course, was not to make sure he said each courtesy exactly seven times but simply to create a way to track and reinforce the general habit of using the courtesies in everyday speech.

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How to apologize. Few things are as important to a successful marriage as the ability of both spouses to apologize for their parts in conflicts, disagreements, misunderstandings, failures and broken promises. But what constitutes an adequate apology?

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A widely cited 2016 study polled 755 people to find out how they reacted to apologies containing different combinations of the same six elements: (1) an expression of regret, (2) an acknowledgement of responsibility, (3) an offer of repair, (4) a declaration of repentance, (5) a request for forgiveness, and (6) an explanation for why the offense occurred. The study found that the more components that were included -- the fuller the apology -- the more effective it was.

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But the study also found that two elements were especially crucial: acknowledging that you were wrong and offering restitution. No apology is complete without these two elements.

 

There is also a component of some apologies that can backfire: explanations. Often an explanation comes off as an excuse for your poor behavior, and can ruin the effect of the apology

 

Here are all the possible elements of an apology:

 

1. Expression of regret. The essence of an apology is saying “I’m sorry.” Ideally, your statement of regret should express remorse and empathy. Remorse involves speaking about how badly you feel about what you have done. Empathy requires you to let the other person know that you understand how they feel as a consequence of your actions:

 

"I am so sorry that I forgot to pick you up after work and let you down."

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2. Acknowledgment of responsibility. In the study, acknowledging that you were in the wrong and accept full responsibility for what happened was crucial in making the person feel that your apology is sincere. It is especially important that this acknowledgment makes clear that the victim is not responsible for your poor behavior:

 

"I am so sorry that I forgot to pick you up after work and let you down. You’ve told me before you feel abandoned when this happens. It is my fault not to have remembered you.”

 

3. Restitution. The third crucial component of an apology is an offer to make things right. This means offering to provide an act or service to make up for your transgression:

 

"I am so sorry that I forgot to pick you up after work and let you down. You’ve told me before you feel abandoned when this happens. It is my fault not to have remembered you. I would be happy to take you out for lunch tomorrow, and let you share your thoughts and feelings about this. I promise to listen, and not to be defensive.”

 

4. Declaration of repentance. Another element you might want to include in your apology is a clear statement that you know what you did was wrong and you won’t do it again:

 

"I am so sorry that I forgot to pick you up after work and let you down.  It was irresponsible and completely out of line. You’ve asked me before not to do this, and I did it anyway. I promise not to do this ever again. I would be happy to take you out for lunch tomorrow, and let you share your thoughts and feelings about this. I promise to listen, and not to be defensive.”

 

5. Request for forgiveness. You might also make a formal request that the injured party forgive you for your actions. But be cautious with this one. Harriet Lerner, author of Why Won’t You Apologize?: Healing Big Betrayals And Everyday Hurts warns that a request of any sort can become self-serving; asking for forgiveness can make the apology about you instead of the person to whom you are apologizing. One way to avoid this problem is to give your spouse control over how you make it up:

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"I am so sorry that I forgot to pick you up after work and let you down.  It was irresponsible and completely out of line. You’ve asked me before not to do this, and I did it anyway. I promise not to do this ever again. I would be happy to take you out for lunch tomorrow, and let you share your thoughts and feelings about this. I promise to listen, and not to be judgmental. Please forgive me and let me make this right.”

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6. Explanation of why the offense occurred. In the survey, explanations turned out to be the least important part of an apology. Many psychologists believe they may actually be detrimental. The problem with explanations is that they often make it sound as if the apologizer is excusing their behavior, or even blaming the injured party. Three simple rules can help you manage these concerns:

 

• First, don’t offer an explanation until you have made a full apology.

• Second, don’t offer an explanation unless you are asked (“But why would you do something like that?”) and even then, only after you have made your apology.

• Third, if you do make an explanation, make sure you are not blaming outside circumstances for your actions (i.e. explain that you are late because you failed to plan for heavy traffic, not because the traffic was so bad). Above all, do not “blame the victim” by suggesting the wronged party had any fault in the matter (you ran over the newly planted raspberry bush with the lawnmower because you weren’t paying attention, not because your spouse planted the raspberry bush in a stupid place!).

 

"I am so sorry that I forgot to pick you up after work and let you down.  It was irresponsible and completely out of line. You’ve asked me before not to do this, and I did it anyway. I promise not to do this ever again. I would be happy to take you out for lunch tomorrow, and let you share your thoughts and feelings about this. I promise to listen, and not to be judgmental. Please forgive me and let me make this right.

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“I understand that you're asking me for a reason I could forget you. All I can say is that I hurried out of the office and rushed home on auto pilot. I did not check my "to do list" and I forgot to come get you.”

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Remember: It’s not a heartfelt apology if the intention is to have the last word, shut down the spouse, or relieve your own guilt. It’s also not a true apology if it asks the injured party to do something.

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When do we say “I’m sorry”?

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Many people throw out “I’m sorry” for all the wrong reasons.

 

“I'm sorry you feel that way” and “I’m sorry that you think I did something wrong” are common expressions that are not really apologies because there is no acknowledgment of responsibility. In the first, you are expressing sympathy in an inappropriate way by apologizing for their feelings, while in the second you are apologizing for someone else’s thoughts. 

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When should we say I’m sorry? It is very important to apologize when we recognize that we have done something wrong for which we need to take responsibility. It is equally important to apologize when we have expressed our feelings harshly or inappropriately. On the other hand, we should not be apologizing for our spouse’s behavior, or their negative reactions to our choices.

 

Apologize when you are wrong. When a person apologizes there must be clarity about responsibility for the action one is apologizing for. Apologies are reserved for things you’ve done wrong. For each mistake we make, intentionally or accidentally, we ought to apologize and seek to make amends.

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Apologize when you are harsh or inappropriate. Sometimes we are not wrong in what we’ve done so much as how we’ve done it. It is a very human reaction to yell at our loved ones when we are stressed out and running late. But it is our stress, and even if their questions or demands are adding to it, we have no right to be taking our stress out on them. Once your stress is reduced (but always on the same day), the yeller should apologize to the yellee. They could say, “I’m sorry that I yelled at you this morning. I know that I hurt your feelings. Being stressed about my work does not give me the right to shout at you for trivial things. I’ll work harder to not bring my stress home with me. Please forgive me, and let me make it up to you.”

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Don’t apologize for their feelings. Some people, especially women, apologize indiscriminately for other people’s negative feelings. In doing so, they take ownership of events outside their control. When your spouse, child, parent, or friend is angry or sad due to decisions you've made that affect them or their own negative experience of life events. You didn’t do anything wrong. They are simply hurt by your choice or disappointed in life events. Your role is to listen to their feelings without cutting them off and help them come to terms with their own negative emotions. If your child didn’t make the team, your spouse’s boss has upset them, or you didn’t include your mother in a recent outing, your role is to provide empathy, not an apology.

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Instead, listen to their feelings and communicate that you understand their disappointment and that not having their way is hard. If you apologize, it will be as though it’s your fault they have these negative emotions. If your decision is nonnegotiable, never let others think their feelings and anger will change your mind by apologizing to them. This can actually hurt your relationship in the long run.

 

Rather than apologizing, you should acknowledge your loved one’s feelings. You should encourage them to express their hurt, and let them know that you understand how they feel. Reassure them that although you cannot change your plans, your relationship will be fine. 

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Do not apologize for someone else’s bad behavior. Most of us have experienced embarrassment in public when we feel that our spouse’s behavior, ineptness, or committing a social faux pas reflects poorly on ourselves. It is common for spouses to apologize for their loved one’s behavior: “I’m so sorry that Dan drank so much last night,” or “I’m so sorry Amira was bragging so much today, it’s really not like her.” But as we did nothing wrong, we do not owe anyone an apology.

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Although we are a couple, it is crucial to justice that we separate ourselves from our loved ones’ behaviors and refuse to own their actions as a reflection on ourselves. It is important to acknowledge their actions may have caused embarrassment, or even pain and suffering, and you will need to encourage your spouse to be aware of, take responsibility for, and apologize for their actions. But you cannot apologize for them, and when you apologize to cover your own embarrassment, you are adding to the problem rather than fixing it. 

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Above all, remember that an apology is not the end of a conversation. Its purpose is to deescalate the situation, and restore justice so that the issues that required the apology can be discussed.

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Prayer

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Grant us, Lord God, a vision of our spouse as an equal partner. Let us be humble, honest, responsible and collaborative partners. Give us the strength to bend our pride and quiet our anger as we seek to give our spouse their due in every situation, as your love would have it. Help us create a marriage in which our peace is built through justice, and justice is guided by our love. Give us the inspiration and courage to build our marriage with justice, through Jesus Christ our Lord.

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Resources

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Aquino, Karl, and Americuas Reed II. (2002). The self-importance of moral identity. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 83(6), 1423–1440. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.83.6.1423

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Lerner, Harriet. 2019. Why Won’t You Apologize?: Healing Big Betrayals And Everyday Hurts. Gallery Books.

Lewicki, Roy J., Robert Lount, and Beth Polin. 2016. An Exploration of the Structure of Effective Apologies. Negotiation and Conflict Management Research 177-196.

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