Abandoning Anger

No one can provoke us to anger more than our spouse. That’s what many married couples believe, anyway. We live with them day in and day out, so we have a tendency to grow more vexed by the things they do and say. Our spouse knows us, knows our flaws and our weak spots and, whether they intend to or not, can wound us profoundly. What’s more, our spouse matters. Unlike the jerk who cut you off in traffic or that idiot who keeps screwing up at work, you two are a team. Our spouse is supposed to have our back, so when we think they’ve committed an injustice against us, it becomes particularly infuriating.

 

Wrath is typically defined as excessive anger. It is anger that has slipped the reins of your self control and spilled out into your thoughts, your speech and your actions. In Dante’s Purgatory, the souls of the wrathful penitents walk around in blinding, acrid smoke, symbolizing both the blinding effects of wrath and the burning harm it does to the person who is angry (there is an old Buddhist saying that wrath is like holding on to a hot coal in order to throw it at someone else; whatever damage you might do to them, you will certainly get burned).

 

Defining wrath as excessive anger doesn’t really get at the distinction between these two states. Anger is a feeling, one of a full repertoire of emotions, some negative and some positive, that pop up as a result of how we perceive the situation we’re engaged in. Perhaps, something your spouse has said seems particularly disrespectful. Wrath is a response to those thoughts that fuel your anger, which involves blaming the other person as well as a desire to “get even”. 

 

It’s easy to see how this happens. You feel fine until your spouse says or does something that doesn’t sit right with you. Suddenly you don’t feel fine any more, you feel angry. It’s a simple step to assign your angry feelings to your spouse, making it their fault that you no longer feel fine. This allows you to claim victimhood, to make your spouse the problem. But contemporary psychology agrees with the ancient wisdom of the Church: no one can make us feel angry or anything else. Sure, our husband or wife can say or do something, and we may react by feeling angry or frustrated, but those feelings are ours and what we do with them is up to us. 

 

As Matthew’s Gospel above implies, wrath is anger expressed in some way that seeks revenge. You feel hurt so you want to hurt back. You feel disrespected so you try to take someone down a notch. Wrath is thus not only a feeling but is tied to action. The question of anger is not how you feel, for we all get angry with one another at times. The question is whether and how you express your anger.

 

In other words, anger itself is neither right nor wrong; it is our emotional response to another. How we act on that anger is the moral problem. When our anger is expressed as wrath it is dangerous to ourselves and our families.

 

Anger is a problem if:

• it is too frequent

• it is too intense

• it lasts too long

• it leads to aggression

• it disturbs family and work relationships

• it begins a destructive cycle that we do not control

• it hurts people

 

Most marriages struggle with anger at some point. We express it in multiple ways. First, the obvious one: we blow up at each other. We yell and rant and scream. And we believe that we’re justified in our tantrums because the things we are angry about seem like injustices to us. But that’s not how we are supposed to deal with our anger; St. Paul urges us instead to be slow to anger.

 

Just as importantly. St. Paul urges us not to dishonor one another by venting our anger to friends. Gossip that seeks to belittle your spouse, or to arouse the sympathy of the listener toward you and away from your spouse, these are wrong.

 

The way out of anger is forgiveness. Jesus promises that any sin we commit is forgivable. But he adds a codicil: “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.”

 

How many times must we forgive our spouse? Seventy times seven, he tells his disciples. Imagine forgiving your spouse for the same offense 149 times before you blow up.

 

That’s slow to anger.

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Discernment: Is Anger A Problem in My Marriage?

 

Consider the following statements. How many of them apply to you and your spouse?

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1. You've been repressing anger. Anger can sometimes live inside of you for years. Your parents hurt you with harsh words or severe punishment. Your peers made fun of you as a teenager. Your boss treated you unfairly. You've held all of these hurts inside, and now your stored anger is showing up in your behavior.

2. Your expectations aren't being met. Expectations are tricky. We should have them, but sometimes they can be unrealistic or unreasonable for the season we are in. I've heard it said that the distance between our reality and our expectations causes internal conflict, and that conflict will often express itself in our behavior toward others.

3. You don't feel loved or valued. We are wired for connection. Whether from our intimate, family, or community relationships, when we feel loved, appreciated, and valued, the world is much brighter. When the love in our loving cups is low, we can sometimes get defensive and put up walls to "protect" ourselves from feeling hurt. When we perceive we aren't valued, we can easily fall into resentment or cynicism that feels much like irritation.

4. Your stress level is at capacity. Under stress, people can say and do things they would otherwise not—sometimes even things they regret. The issue is not that we have no filter or are uncaring, but rather, we've reached an unhealthy capacity (emotional limit) due to stress. The energy needed to "tame" our emotions, and not react to things that may frustrate or upset us, is low.

 

If you find yourself irritated by things that most likely shouldn't get under your skin, consider writing in a journal or talking to a counselor about the issue(s) that may be exacerbating your irritability. This may help identify patterns and get to the root issue underneath it all. Nobody wants to live in a perpetual state of frustration. Identifying where these irritations come from may help alleviate unnecessary friction and allow you the capacity to enjoy the moments you are given even more.

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Counter-Virtue: Gentleness

 

"Learn from me; for I am gentle and lowly of heart."

 -- Matthew 11: 29

 

"Always be as gentle as you can, and remember that more flies are caught with a spoonful of honey than with a hundred barrels of vinegar"

-- St. Francis DeSales

 

What is gentleness?

 

When we introduce a new baby to our family, we tell our children, “Be gentle with her.” When the doctor sets a broken arm, he warns the patient, “Treat it gently.” When we share something personal that we’ve written, like a poem, we tell our critic, “Tell me what you really think—but be gentle with me."

 

Each of these scenarios features a difference in power or strength. Gentleness involves restraint, self-discipline, and the will not to hurt another when you have the power to do so.

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The gentle person makes an effort to ensure that his strength does not endanger others. She understands the vulnerabilities of the other and tries to protect the weakness of the other from the danger of her power.

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Why is gentleness said to be the counter virtue to the sin of wrath?

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Anger, according to Aristotle, is often a pleasurable emotion, because it leaves us feeling superior to the person with whom we are angry. We become angry at our husband or wife because we believe our spouse has committed an unjust and undeserved offense against us. Anger can feel pleasant when it allows us to see ourselves in the right and our spouse in the wrong. Standing on what we believe is the moral high ground, we enjoy a moral superiority over our spouse.

 

Now we may not be able to avoid feeling anger at acts we perceive as unjust (although we should be careful not to revel in that anger). And if we feel anger, we may not be able to avoid the feeling of moral superiority that comes with it.

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But we can decide how we are going to act. St. Thomas Aquinas teaches that gentleness "moderates anger according to right reason." We can choose to use our feeling of moral superiority to attack our spouse where we know they are vulnerable—or to protect their vulnerabilities.

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But What If My Partner Is the Angry One?

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“Wrath and anger are hateful things, yet the sinner hugs them tight” 

-- Sirach 27:30

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One of the biggest challenges in staying in a relationship with a resentful or angry person is trying to get him or her to change. There are four major reasons why it is difficult to get wrathful people to change.

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• They see themselves as victims. Wrath is a “perversion” of just anger. Wrathful people often see themselves as reacting to an unfair world. They often feel offended by what they perceive as a general insensitivity to their "needs." As a result, they are likely to feel attacked by any attempt to point out the ways in which they are unfair, much less the effects of their behavior on others.

• They see themselves as powerless. Wrathful people usually have the habit of blaming their anger on others. Because they have conditioned themselves to pin the cause of their emotional states on someone or something else, they see themselves as powerless to regulate not only their own feelings but also their actions.

• They are trapped in their own rage. Everyone is narcissistic when they're feeling angry or resentful. In the adrenaline rush of even low-grade anger, everyone feels entitled and more important than those who have become a target of their anger. Anger creates a false sense of confidence, if not arrogance, and can render us incapable of empathy.

• They are wearing blinders. How many times have you read in a story, “he was blinded by his anger.” It’s no mere metaphor. States of anger and resentment create narrow, rigid thinking that amplifies and magnifies only the negative aspects of a behavior or situation. The tendency of the angry and resentful to attribute malevolence, incompetence, or inadequacy to those who disagree with them makes negotiation extremely difficult. We are all likely to devalue those who incur our resentment or anger. Even if we do it in our heads, without acting it out, this negativity will almost certainly be communicated in a close relationship.

 

So what can we do for our wrathful spouses?

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First, we can pray for them.

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Second, one of the most powerful things you can do for a spouse with anger issues is to acknowledge their intense expression of anger -- and to validate that anger as real.

 

That’s very difficult. When our partner is angry, we are tempted to talk them out of their feelings in order to make the anger go away as soon as possible. Or we try to shut them down with expressions of contempt, or with louder anger. Or we just walk away.

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Instead, the goal should be to acknowledge what our spouse is feeling, in the moment when they are really upset. Let them air their grievance, reflectively listening until they calm down.

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But it is important not to stop there. Your spouse cannot recover without developing greater compassion, so the most compassionate thing for you to do is insist that he or she treat you with the value and respect you deserve, if you are to stay in the relationship. 

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Practical Advice:

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How can we get our anger under healthy control so that we can let go of wrath?

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1) Avoid people, places and situations that bring out your worst. Understanding how stressful events affect you can help you take control of your environment. Look at your regular routine. Try to identify activities, times of day, people, places, or situations that trigger irritable or angry feelings. Maybe you get into a fight every time you go out for drinks with a certain group of friends. Or maybe the traffic on your daily commute drives you crazy. Then think about ways to avoid these triggers, or view the situation differently so it doesn’t make your blood boil.

 

2) Pay attention to the way anger feels in your body. Does your stomach twist up into knots? Are you clenching your hands, your shoulders or your jaw? Are you feeling clammy or flushed? Do you find yourself breathing faster or more shallowly? Do you pace or need to walk around? Are you having trouble concentrating? Is your heart pounding? Some people find themselves caught off guard and "blowing up" because they didn't pay attention to their body's warning signs.

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Instead of blowing up, try to cool your body down. Take some deep breaths. The key is to breathe deeply from the abdomen, getting as much fresh air as possible into your lungs. A brisk walk around the block is also a great idea. It releases pent-up energy so you can approach the situation with a cooler head. You might try listening to music or picturing yourself in a favorite place. Roll your shoulders if you are tensing them, for example, or gently massage your neck and scalp. Focus on counting your breaths to let your rational mind catch up with your feelings. If you still feel out of control by the time you reach ten, start counting again.

 

3) Own your anger. Recognizing that your anger is your response to circumstances can give you power over that anger. Mike Bechtle, author of People Can’t Drive You Crazy if You Don't Give Them The Keys and Dealing With the Elephant in the Room suggests a three-stage process.

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• Remind yourself that this is your emotion. As you feel yourself becoming angry, use that as a trigger to slow down. Take a few seconds to sort out what you are feeling and to remind yourself that you are reacting to your spouse--they can’t make you feel anything you don’t let them.

• Think about what you can change. When you play tennis, you have to stay on your side of the court and figure out the best way to respond to your partner’s play. It’s the same in your interactions. You need to focus on the best way to respond to your spouse’s words and actions without cheating or making a foul.

• Choose your words--or other responses--carefully. Begin by naming your emotion, with a  focus on yourself as the locus of the feeling. Think “I’m angry” rather than “This is making me angry.” When you use "I" statements to describe the problem you can avoid criticizing or placing blame. Be respectful and specific. For example, say, "I'm hurt and angry that you did this without talking to me first" instead of "You are acting arrogant and entitled again.”

 

4) Change Your Mind. Wrath has less to do with what happens to you than how you interpret and think about what happened. Thoughts affect mood. It is how the person thinks about the situation that creates, or sustains, their wrath. Once you have identified your anger therefore, you can take steps to change your perceptions. 

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• Identify the negative thought(s). Try to frame them in their simplest form. For example, “She’s upset with me because she misunderstood me” morphs into “I’m upset because she never listens to me and always blames me.” When we’re faced with someone’s anger and feeling defensive, or when we’re hungry, angry, lonely or tired it is easy to misinterpret the intent behind other people’s comments or actions. 

• Reframe it. Once you are paying attention to your rising anger and have identified what you are saying to yourself, consider what you wish someone would say to you. You can fight feelings of annoyance by choosing compassion and focusing on your spouse’s humanity. 

• Choose a different behavior — one that serves your goals to be a gentler person, slow to anger. For example, instead of fight or flight, give them a gentle hug, or a kiss on the forehead, and tell them, “I’m very angry over what you said just now, but I want you to know that I love you.” Or say, “Let’s take a two-minute time out, change clothes, and go out for coffee and dessert.”

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5) Follow St. Francis. In his Spiritual Directions, St. Francis De Sales offers a four-part remedy against anger.

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A. Think about something else. When you feel a surge of anger, turn it aside quickly by thinking about something else. Imagine a calm lake, hum a favorite song or recall a favorite memory.

B. Pray. Most Christians have a handful of prayers they have memorized--the Our Father, the Hail Mary or a Psalm. Reciting this can help you calm down and focus so that you can then share your heart with God and ask him for calm and self-discipline. 

C. Wait. During the heat of your anger, don’t speak, or take any action against the person toward whom your anger is directed.  This is not a license to stalk off and slam a door. Rather, it is to call for a time-out. Some couples have a safe word or gesture indicating that they are too flooded with emotion to continue a discussion. Alternatively, you can just say, “I’m too angry to talk right now. Give me 15 minutes to calm down.”

D. Do something nice. During your time-out, perform some act of kindness and humility towards your spouse. Do one of their chores. Run out and buy them flowers, write them a love note or brew them a cup of their favorite tea. 

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Prayer Against Anger

 

Peace to This House

 

Help me, Lord, to close the doors of my heart to wrath.

Let your grace flow upon me like water to cool my anger,

Quiet my soul,

Make me slow to anger.

Help me to expel all traces of anger and bitterness, and to give a home in my heart to peace and tranquility.

Help me to be humble and loving to my husband/wife even in the most difficult of circumstances,

And let me accept her/his anger with the gentleness and forgiveness

That you show to me

So that I may bring peace to my home

Amen