Pursuing Prudence

There is a ballad by country singer K.T. Oslin entitled “Hold Me” in which a husband comes home and confesses to his wife that as he headed off to work that morning he was seized with the desire to abandon her, his job, and the responsibilities that burden him. He is shocked to discover that she, too, was tempted to run off and try to escape him, their child, her job, and the anxiety she feels as she grows older and wonders what she is doing with her life. Instead, each returned to the other and they recommit to the relationship, and to promising each other that their future together will be brighter.

 

What the couple discovered suddenly was their freedom: the realization that they are not trapped by their life choices but always able to choose another path, provided that they are willing to face the consequences of their actions. In the face of this rediscovered freedom, running away blindly suddenly seems lonely and foolish. For with the discovery of their freedom comes the realization that they can make other choices in their marriage as well. They can use their freedom to work together to make a more meaningful life than the drudgery into which they have descended.

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In so doing, they have committed to practicing prudence.

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Prudence is the ability to apply practical reason to the issues of everyday life. In marriage, this also involves recognizing where the path to love lies, and choosing the best means of following that path.

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The virtue of prudence is often misunderstood as fear, an aversion to risk. Worse, it is sometimes suborned into an economic logic about cautious and careful investment. But this is not at all what the great saintly virtue of prudence is about, especially in marriage. Marriage calls us all to heroic acts of virtue and self-sacrifice; prudence allows us to carry out those acts effectively and intelligently. “The prudent man looks where he is going” on the path of his vocation (Prov. 14:15).

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Many people enter marriage unprepared for its demands, responsibilities and requirements. When their marriage, their job, their friendships, their finances fail to meet their expectations, they rail against the injustice of it, like a child having a tantrum. Prudence requires us to resist this temptation. We can always choose our own interest over those of our spouse, our children, our friends, our fellow citizens and the other inhabitants of this world. That's what free will is about. Prudence requires us to recognize our freedom, but also to consider the consequences of our actions -- and act accordingly.

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A big part of being prudent is being able to separate yourself from externals. The first step toward prudent action is recognizing that there are many things that are beyond your control. Prudent people let go of anxieties about the things they cannot control, and change to focus on what they can. Prudent people recognize that railing against illness, natural disasters, or even the consequences of their own erroneous choices gets them nowhere. Instead, they ask: What can I do now?

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Although Ramone’s wife, Julia, had cancer, the illness was really happening to both of them. His life was being disrupted in many of the same ways. They were both challenged to find constructive ways of dealing with the disruptions and threats posed by cancer and with the side effects of medical treatments.

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Ramone stated that listening and loving were the two best things he did for Julia. For him there wasn’t anything he could do to take the pain away. Ramone stated that Julia had never really dealt with any sort of stomach ailment and had no experience of vomiting but with chemo and other complications she was almost constantly sick. He said it was sad but sweet how wrecked and confused she was by this novel experience. He stayed with her, just to hold back her hair, clean her up, and hold her. Listening without judgment seemed to be an almost daily experience.

 

One surprising thing he learned was that Julia didn’t want his encouragement and words of hope. She actually just wanted him to say, “I’m here going through this with you and feeling it too, we’re going to face this together no matter what happens.”

 

In marriage, one of the most difficult steps toward developing the virtue of prudence is recognizing that you cannot control your spouse’s actions. In the previous section we discussed the power of learning to see your spouse as a complete person unto themselves, rather than primarily in terms of how their lives impact yours. Realizing that we cannot control our partner's actions -- especially in those areas that most affect us -- can cause us to slide into despair and sloth, or “learned helplessness.” Prudence tells us that there are always actions we can take if we focus on ourselves and our expectations, not on our spouse’s behaviors.

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For example, Myrah spent years of her marriage railing against her husband’s seasonal obsession with football, somehow expecting that he would grow out of it, or abandon his passion to spend time with her. Eventually, she realized that football was part of her husband’s life and that it was her choice -- not his -- that she became a football widow each Fall. Instead of allowing herself to be angry and unhappy by this annual decline in their time together, Myrah teamed with other football widows, and some single mothers, and created a Fall Christmas crafting club to productively fill the time she was not with her spouse. Not only did she learn how to make all sorts of Thanksgiving and Christmas crafted items, but she found that the time spent with the other women enriched her life socially and emotionally.

 

A second, even more difficult challenge, requires giving up our predictive assessments of how our spouse will act. Pope Francis warns us in his pastoral letter on marriage not to become “disillusioned” with one another. His advice is to remember that our partners are only human, and fallible, like us: “stop expecting from that person something which is proper to the love of God alone.” If you make your efforts to love your spouse dependent on their efforts to love you back, or even show you gratitude, you will frequently be disappointed. You are setting up expectations that may not be met. Instead you need to engage in acts of love toward your spouse even when they don’t make you feel loved, as part of your vocation, your path to heaven.

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Several years ago we met a couple who owned a small business together. They loved each other, and the business, worked cheerfully together, and reveled in their joint success. But when they went home each evening, Brett threw himself into his armchair while Pam bustled about picking up the house, organizing things and preparing meals. While Pam believed Brett was not fulfilling his part of the household duties, Brett insisted that “she just doesn’t know how to relax.” Brett wanted a period of relaxation between business work and housework; Pam could not relax while there were things needing to be done around the house. Eventually, Brett decided that he could not change Pam’s need to finish the housework before relaxing, so he began to join her in the housework so that they could finish sooner and relax together. Brett and Pam had different expectations about how much housework needed to be done, and when it needed to be done. Eventually, Brett sacrificed his expectations to help her meet hers, so that he could spend more quality time with her.

 

This is not to say that you must let yourself become a doormat. Prudence is a crucial virtue precisely because it calls us to practicality. While we are called to be generous beyond merely giving away our excess, a generosity that renders us destitute and in need of the generosity of others is less prudent than a careful, steady tithing throughout our lifetimes. We are called to extraordinary forgiveness; but forgiving a spouse who expresses anger violently does not mean continuing to cohabit with them but rather structuring your interactions so you are safe and they are forced to recognize the consequences of their actions. Prudence, in other words, requires us to figure out where the uncrossable “red lines” are in our marriages, and to make sure both spouses understand what these are.

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For example, after Rob’s father died, his behavior toward his wife Irene changed. He was often distant and withdrawn, and when he did engage her he was sarcastic and quick to anger. Eventually his emotional abuse of Irene led her to lock him out of the house. Rob moved into their motor home in the driveway. He sought counseling, and gradually came to terms with the anger his grief had created. He apologized to his wife and moved back in. Irene reported that the incident had made their marriage stronger.

 

St. Thomas called prudence the “the charioteer of the virtues” because it guides the other virtues. In other words, prudence is difficult to master, but if you can learn it, it makes everything else easier. It is prudence that immediately guides the judgment of conscience. The prudent person determines and directs their conduct in accordance with this judgment.

 

Here are some crucial things to understand about prudence:

 

• Prudence is about freedom, not rules. In contemporary usage, prudent people follow rules to avoid risk. But in its original meaning, the virtue of prudence arose from a dizzying awareness of our own freedom -- a recognition that we are all free to do as we wish, provided we are willing to live with the consequences. Families are shaped by how their members exercise their freedom. Prudence is about recognizing our situation as it is, knowing that we have choices, and figuring out the best course of action that will move us toward better consequences.

• Sometimes there are only bad choices. Many of the stoic philosophers who developed the centrality of prudence as a virtue were destitute, refugees, and even slaves. Their philosophy did not ask that they be resigned to their lot but rather that they be tough-minded and realistic about how poor their range of choices was, and use reason to pick the choice that will move them forward toward their goals, or in fulfillment of their principles.

• Prudence is positive. Prudence does not waste time denouncing a decadent world but instead asks, “what we can reasonably do within the constraints of our situations to create lasting and loving marriages?” We must be aware of the evils and dangers and the risks that beset us, but we must not let the bad stuff dominate our consciences or lead us to despair.

• Prudence is patient. When applying prudence to our relationships, we need to be able to listen patiently and attentively to everything the other person wants to say. Prudence requires the self-discipline of not speaking until the time is right; of making sure that we have heard everything the other person has to say before we offer an opinion or plan a course of action.

• Prudence is flexible. Prudence in marriage starts from an awareness that we are committed for life, and takes this into account in making plans and decisions. Couples need to be sensitive to one another’s changing circumstances. We are different people at different ages: as singles in courtship, when starting our careers, while pursuing educational degrees, while raising children, during the empty nest period, while fighting illnesses, after menopause, and in our old ages. Prudent couples don’t try to hold on to the same styles of intimacy, friendship, partnership and sexuality but learn to communicate and cooperate differently as each person, and their coupleship, changes over time.

• Prudence involves cooperative growth. Patience and flexibility allow action based on spouses’ ever deepening knowledge of one another. One common metaphor for prudence is shepherding, or tilling of soil: carefully cultivating your own strengths for the benefit of your spouse and family, while at the same time helping them build their strengths. Prudence requires us to be able to bring positive vibes and encouraging words to calm our loved one’s anxieties when necessary, and knowing when to share our own anxieties and ask for help.

• Prudence is courteous. An essential requirement of love, writes Thomas Aquinas, is that “every human being is bound to live agreeably with those around him.” Every day, interacting with those around us, especially those who have an intimate relationship with us, demands sensitivity and restraint so that our loved ones can daily renew their trust in us, and their respect for us.

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 Ultimately, prudence is about recognizing the world as it is, and focusing on changing those things you can change--which usually have to do with yourself.

 

Discernment

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So how do we know when we're exercising prudence and when we're simply giving in to our own desires, or to social norms about how our spouse “should” act?

 

What are your expectations? What do you want and why do you think you should get it?

When people or institutions let us down, it is usually because we have expectations of them that they have failed to meet. Many of these are rooted in a belief that relationships, and life more generally, should be “fair.” But life is not fair, and different people have different skills, anxieties and capacities.

 

What are your red lines? Our lives are filled with irritations and disappointments when our expectations are not met. Both stoic philosophy and Christian humility call us to recognize that there is no cosmic judge making sure we get our fair share. And we are called to service, to putting the needs of our spouses ahead of our own. At the same time, we are not saints. Some things are make or break. It is crucial to know what those things are. Red lines are the lines that cannot be crossed. Physical abuse and emotional abuse are obvious red lines (or should be); Irene kicked Rob out when he crossed one of these. On the other hand, if you have too many red lines you may need to rethink. Are hairs in the sink, or leaving the toilet seat up one more time really deal breakers? It requires regular self-confrontation, but you must know the difference between irritations and red lines, and focus on red lines.

 

Are you thankful? When we give up our expectations that our spouse or the world at large owes us something, it allows us to be grateful for our blessings, large and small. This includes everything from food on your plate to being alive. Even when you’ve made a deal with your spouse -- one will do the laundry if the other does the cooking -- being thankful every time they keep their part of the bargain is a significant way to rethink your life and the way you think about yourself.

 

Are you managing the obstacles in your path? There are significant psychological obstacles to prudence. Three of the most common are impulsivity, stubbornness and procrastination.

 

• Impulsivity is a result of preferring passion to prudence. But impulsivity isn’t just following your passion; it is doing so imprudently, without thinking through the best ways to pursue that passion. Impulsivity often sounds adventurous, or bold, especially when it works out, but most of the time it is actually motivated by fears and anxieties, or by an immature sense that thinking through a course of action is repressive or limiting.

• Procrastination refers to the habitual avoidance of starting or finishing a task that needs to be done, in spite of the negative consequences that may follow. Procrastination may stem from fear of committing to action, anxiety about making the wrong decision, or an inability to remain faithful to a decision made because of the difficulties encountered in carrying it out. Procrastination does not always occur at beginning of a project; often difficulties and anxieties about them lead to “false starts” in which people initiate a course of action but never quite finish it.

• Stubbornness can be a good thing when it involves grit and the determination to finish a task. But it can also involve a refusal to change a behavior that isn’t leading to positive results -- for example, couples that keep going to the same restaurant and following the same rituals every date night even though they recognize that they have fallen into a rut, and neither is getting anything satisfying out of the date nights.

 

 

Practical Advice

 

One way to exercise prudence is through a three-step process: seeking counsel, making a judgment and acting on the decision.

 

Seek counsel. Prudence requires thoughtful planning. Prudent people do research by seeking out the advice of people who have knowledge or experience about the issues you need to take action on. This can range from seeking out a friend to finding trustworthy advice on a web site.

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• Find a mentor. Plan ahead and engage a friend, mentor, or someone whose advice you value. Make them your “text a friend” advisor whose advice you seek before jumping into any decision. You may have different text friends for different kinds of issues. For example, when writing e-mails to businesses we are having problems with, or to our political representatives, we run any written messages past one another before sending it, asking one another to make sure we are shedding light, not heat. On the other hand, because we have very different careers, we have different mentors to whom we go for advice when job issues loom. We also have web sites we go to for advice in some personal and professional areas, from dating to teaching.

• Not all advice is good advice. You need to determine which websites or personal contacts offer valuable advice and which simply affirm what you want to hear. Select those sites which have a national reputation and those persons who will confront you to help you become the best version of yourself. If you are sharing marital or family issues, make sure that it is with friends who are trustworthy, and who are themselves in good marriages. These mentors are valuable, so make sure you cultivate them. Reciprocate for them, but also share with them when you have made good decisions, and confess to them about rash ones. Never trash their advice, even when you decide not to follow it.

• Set limits. Researching and deliberating until you have the crucial information to make a well-informed decision takes time. Determine in advance a specific number of websites, or persons whose advice you will seek before moving on to the judgement phase. When you reach the limit, move on; don’t succumb to the temptation to keep looking for more advice

 

But how do you determine who will be a trustworthy mentor? Ask yourself these three questions:

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1. Is this person competent? Competence comes down to whether or not a person is able to accomplish the particular roles or tasks about which you want to seek their counsel. Does he or she have the skills, knowledge and experience to cut my hair, mind my children or fly me to Uzbekistan?

2.  Is this person reliable? Reliability comes down to a person’s consistency in doing what they said they would do for you. Ultimately, it’s about you knowing, ‘Can I depend on this person?’ Will he or she follow through?

3. Is this person honest? Honesty is about integrity and intentions, interests and motives towards you. Is there anything this person would gain by misleading you? Why might they want to help you? Or in the case of on-line expertise, is the site offering excellent free advice in hopes you will upgrade to a premium service, or buy their book, or is it simply trying to draw traffic to the ads it hosts?

 

Make a judgement. Pondering your options and their relative merits can become a trap, in which you waste time and energy while the issue you need to fix spirals out of your control. In the meantime, while you are dithering, you use up mental and emotional energy that could be better spent in other parts of your life. Prudent action requires us to do make our decision in a timely manner

• Make a chart. One useful technique is to put your options down on paper. Create a column for each of your options and jot down the pros and cons of each. What are the costs and benefits of each option? What are the risks. Lay them out for yourself visually.

• Let the decision play out in your mind. Ponder each of the predicted outcomes and imagine yourself living with the outcome of the decision. If you cannot accept what your mind shows you, then you have your answer. But you should also ask yourself why you cannot accept a possible outcome. Once you’ve determined that reason, ask yourself if it is something you can change about yourself, or if you even want to. Is it an irritation or an red line?

• Examine the worst case scenario. If there is more than one possible outcome for a decision, try to focus on the absolute worst that could happen in each case. Can you live with that outcome? This has two important benefits: first, you may find it easier to make a decision when you compare worst cases against one another. Second, you may find that you could actually live with some outcomes you have been dreading.

• Set a deadline. Wait a set amount of time before acting. For some this may slow them down and require patience. For others this may speed them up, and draw attention to their over deliberation and indecisiveness.

• Express your decision as a goal. Once you have made a decision, restate it as a goal. Describe it, to yourself and others, as a positive path for moving forward, with clear and measurable goals. It isn’t enough to decide to agree to be more financially responsible; you need to make your goal specific and measurable: “Discuss any purchase over $100 with my spouse.”

 

Act on your decision. But it isn’t enough to make a decision and set a goal. You need to act on that decision. To make that happen, it helps to develop your goal into small, measurable steps so that you can move forward without being overwhelmed.

• Formulate a schedule. Break up your goal into a set of specific steps that must be taken to get you to your goal. Lay out which steps must come first, describe what resources you will need to accomplish them, and create a realistic schedule for completing them.

• Work first, play later. Prudence is about discipline, and one of the most important elements of this is forcing yourself to work toward your goals by completing the small measurable steps before doing activities that are more interesting, entertaining or fun.

• Track your progress. Create a visual reminder of your goal, the steps you are taking to get there, and the progress you have made. This can be a chart, a calendar, organizational software on your computer, a bullet journal, an app on your phone, or just daily checklists on post-it notes. The important thing is to have a regular reminder of where you are going, how far you have come, and how far you have yet to go.

• Crowd source your accountability. Don’t keep your progress to yourself. Report it to someone else. If it is private, find someone you trust like your spouse or your mentor. If you have the guts, share it more widely, like using workout apps that post your weight weekly to a community of other dieters. Studies have clearly shown that sharing your progress with someone else, even if they are sworn not to comment or criticize, is one of the strongest motivators for moving forward.

• Reward accomplishments. Have you ever consoled yourself with a treat to make up for a bad day when nothing got done? Don’t. Turn it around and reward yourself instead for each step achieved--and only for steps achieved.

 

One very helpful technique for strengthening prudence is the following rule: Take your time in consideration, but once you have reached a judgment, act quickly and decisively. It is unwise to rethink an act when you're in the process of carrying it out. Think about it before you begin it, and then just do it. Let go and let God.

 

Prayer

 

God, give me grace to accept with serenity

the things that cannot be changed,

Courage to change the things

which should be changed,

and the Wisdom to distinguish

the one from the other.

 

Living one day at a time,

Enjoying one moment at a time,

Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,

Taking, as Jesus did,

This sinful world as it is,

Not as I would have it,

Trusting that You will make all things right,

If I surrender to Your will,

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,

And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

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Amen.