Suppressing Sloth

Sloth is spiritual laziness.

 

It is not inaction or what we call laziness in ordinary life; busy people are often slothful, ascribing their failure to deal with spiritual needs to their many deadlines and activities and responsibilities. The slothful person knows they should change, may even know how, but they just can't muster up the will to do it. 

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It is on the fourth terrace of Purgatory, devoted to those overcoming slothfulness, that Dante explains that the seven-storied mountain is organized around the problems of faulty love. Below are the vices that occur when one loves the wrong things--pride, envy, wrath. Above are the vices that occur when one loves good things-- such as possessions, food and drink, and sex--wrongly and excessively. Sloth itself is the place for people who just don’t love enough.

 

In Dante's Purgatory, they are disciplined by being forced to run and run, as fast as they can, without pause, while angels give them examples of zeal, the virtue most opposed to sloth.

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St. Thomas Aquinas used the term acedia for sloth, a term that refers to the feeling that you just don’t care. He understood sloth to refer to people who see that being virtuous is difficult and shy away from the challenges that virtue requires.

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Sloth is a deadly danger to marriage, because marriage is hard work. Marriage is always a work in progress, and a refusal, or inability to work by one or both of the spouses makes that progress slow to a crawl, or even grind to a halt.

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Worse, a slothful spouse can become a kind of parasite. The spouse who continually seeks ways to please their partner, waiting in vain to have them respond in kind, or the spouse who struggles alone to support the family and care for the household while their partner complains of exhaustion, are both sustaining the marriage without help—an act so contrary to love it is doomed to fail if it continues for too long.

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In a slothful marriage, one or both partners recognize that the practice of married life is beset with difficulties, and they chafe under the restraints imposed by serving their families. The life of nurturing, comforting and caring for the spouse seems like a long, weary journey from which there is no escape. The person's soul grows sluggish at the thought of serving. The idea of self-sacrificing love inspires not joy but disgust, because of the work it requires.

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Sloth is not a willful evil in the marriage, like pride, envy or wrath; it is a lukewarmness toward the marriage. They are called to love, to strive to give everything to their spouse. Instead, they are willing to let their spouse do the work of the marriage, while they go along for the ride.

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One reason for sloth is a belief that the goods of marriage are somehow tied to the estate itself.  The husband thinks, for example, "My wife should love me because I'm her husband, not because I work to win her love daily." 

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Another reason is that people believe that the feeling of love should inspire their actions, as it does during courtship and the honeymoon. "I used to bring my husband coffee when he had to work late because I felt in love and wanted to make him happy," says the wife. "Now it's just too much work to get up and do that when I can sleep in." No longer feeling inspired by feelings of affection, she chooses not to act.

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Sloth may also be connected to a love of pleasure that leads us to avoid effort and hardship. We all of us have a tendency to follow the line of least resistance; if that moves you toward your goals it’s called efficiency, but if it doesn’t, it’s just sloth. The slothful person wants to escape any and all exertion that might interfere with their comfort or which involves physical, mental or spiritual effort.

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Marital sloth, then, consists in a dislike for the things one needs to do to sustain and build a marriage.

 

Slothful spouses are negligent in performing the everyday tasks of nurturing their coupleship. They forget birthdays or anniversaries, or handle them in formulaic, cursory ways. They grumble as they carry out the tasks of cooking, cleaning, caring for their children, or fixing things around the house. They commit to date nights, taking walks with their spouses, art classes, marriage encounters and other efforts to work on their marriage, then meet those commitments with reluctance, truculence or excuses. They go to marriage counseling or marriage encounter, but fail to incorporate anything taught there into their marital life.

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For Christians the sad irony of sloth comes from the fact that we were created to work. In John Paul II’s Theology of the Body, he interprets God’s command to Adam and Eve "to cultivate and care for" the garden of Eden as a metaphor for (among other things) the joint work of cultivating and caring for one another in the garden of your coupleship. And in his 1981 encyclical letter on human work, Laborem Exercens, the pope wrote:

 

 Work is a good thing for man—a good thing for his humanity—because through work man not only transforms nature, adapting it to his own needs, but he also achieves fulfillment as a human being and indeed, in a sense, becomes ‘more a human being.’

 

So the human need to work, and to find joy in working toward a goal, precedes original sin. But with sin, work became burdensome. Humans still find joy in working toward an important purpose—a purpose like marriage—but they cannot find that joy until they overcome their sense of being burdened.

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Another illusion people have about sloth is that people who show diligence and industriousness in their work, or their care of their homes, or the diligence of their studies, are not slothful. Such people focus on getting ahead by working hard, being the early bird that catches the worm, and generally striving to outwork competition. But these very activities may be the obstacles that get in the way of focusing on their love, their marriage, and their family.  The workaholic, who is on the job 24-7 and in the process neglects their spouse and family, is an all-too common manifestation of sloth in our time and culture.  

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But perhaps the most dangerous illusion of sloth is that during this period the marriage is in stasis, like some kind of suspended animation in a science fiction movie. In fact, love dwindles and dies under the burden of inactivity by couples. Unless spouses are actively engaged in caring for one another, they fall victim to sensual, ambitious, proud and selfish thoughts and actions. They search for diversions-- sports, television, the Internet, or many other possibilities--that allow them an escape from the work of love. 

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Eventually romance gives way to routines, playing with children gives way to leaving them in front of the electronic babysitter, lovemaking gives way to pornography and masturbation. Eventually, St. Thomas warns us, sloth will lead to despair, for "sloth is a real sadness that casts the spirit down."

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Discernment: Symptoms of Slothfulness

 

Is your marriage burdened by sloth? Consider the following six characteristic trademarks of a slothful person, and whether these operate in your married life:

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• You Make Easy Choices: Slothfulness develops gradually as a person makes “little” decisions with the goal of maintaining comfort and taking the path of least resistance. The slothful spouse might promise to do something, then procrastinate or refuse to work in adverse conditions: “I know we agreed to talk about this issue tonight, but I’ve had a hard day at work and I’m just too tired.” You may actually be too tired sometimes to do a good job at a family discussion or other task, but if you are making such excuses over and over again, it may be a sign of slothfulness.

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• You Disregard Times and Seasons. The work of marriage unfolds in time. Some tasks—shopping for food, starting dinner, washing the clothes—need to be done in a timely manner to keep the household running smoothly. Likewise some events—like date night or an anniversary—require planning and organization in advance. The slothful spouse refuses to be cognizant of this and acts as though what does not get done today can just as easily be done tomorrow. Slothful spouses accordingly often see scheduled events as burdensome intrusions on their time. Of course, a spouse may claim to be worried about losing “spontaneity” and “authenticity,” and this might even be true sometimes. But if the spontaneous fun they promise ends up always being the same thing—dinner and a movie again?—it’s probably sloth.

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• You Leave Tasks Unfinished. For the slothful spouse, the things needed to maintain the marriage, from planning dates to doing household chores to going to a marriage retreat—are experienced as burdensome chores.  As a result, slothful spouses often allow opportunities to slip by and begin projects but leave them half-completed.

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• You Engage in Wishful Thinking. Slothful spouses often spend time imagining an ideal marriage in which they richly give and get love. However, they rarely take actions that could make those dreams a reality.

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• You Limit Activities because of Fears. Sometimes slothfulness is the result of irrational fears. Spouses may fear, for example, that if they try and fail it will be worse than not trying at all.  If left unchecked, these irrational fears often generate more irrational fears.

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• You Denying You Are Slothful. Slothful spouses have usually completely rationalized their behaviors. They argue that the demands of marriage are so great, or so many, that they are overwhelmed and can’t work on any of them. They insist that they will become harder working spouses and lovers, but that they are waiting for the right time (when the kids are older, or when the job becomes less stressful). Because they have convinced themselves that the situation is currently out of their control, they can deny that sloth is any part of the problems of their marriages. The sluggard is wiser in his own conceit than seven men that can render a reason” (Proverbs 26:16).

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Countervirtues: From Diligence to Zeal

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In Dante’s Purgatory, the virtues of diligence and zeal are opposed to sloth. And that’s as it should be. Sloth is the underestimated sin. People don’t take it seriously. Yet it is as deadly as any of its brethren; so deadly that it takes not one but two virtues to deal with it. 

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The first of the two counter-virtues is diligence. Diligence involves committing yourself to doing a good job, whatever it takes. Diligence is work. It is hard work, but work you feel good about once you’ve accomplished it. The second counter-virtue is zeal. Zeal is work done that is done for the sheer joy of it. Zealous persons lose no opportunity to work at improving their marriage, and cheerfully make sacrifices for the love of their spouses. In the example above, the wife originally exhibited zeal when she rose early to make her husband coffee. If she forced herself to rise and continue this simple act of affection, she would be using diligence.

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We want to be zealous in our marriage, the way most of us were when we were courting. But if we suffer from sloth, zeal is exactly what we don’t have. We may have moments of excitement during which we think about rekindling our marriage but as soon as we confront all the little everyday obstacles, we slump back into that “what’s the use?” attitude.

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Diligence can be the stepping stone to zeal. When you are diligent, you take special care to do things step by step. You think and move carefully to make sure things will turn out right. Being diligent is making sure  that everything that needs to get done gets done in spite of the obstacles.

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Diligence can be this: making a list of the things you know you need to do to improve your marriage, breaking the list down into concrete tasks, organizing and prioritizing them, then carrying them out. Diligence is making sure you include your marital priorities at the top of your day’s to-do list, and that you program them into your smart phone’s reminder system. In other words, diligence is understanding that these tasks are important, and doing whatever it takes to get these important tasks done.

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Being diligent in this rote way may be no fun for you. But if your husband gets a daily note from you complimenting him, or your wife finds a surprise treat tucked in her briefcase, or you schedule that marriage retreat weekend you’ve been avoiding, including a nice little bed-and-breakfast, and you remain diligent about getting these tasks done, your spouse won’t know how much of a struggle it was for you. And you don’t need to tell them.

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And hopefully, with diligence, prayer, and the rewards that come from success, you will begin to enjoy doing the things you need to do, and you will become zealous in the service of your marriage.

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Marriage is Work, But It Shouldn’t Be a Chore

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It's common to warn young couples is that “marriage is work.” This is very true. The Church has defined marriage as a sacrament of vocation, literally a “calling” to do good works (the other sacrament of vocation is Holy Orders).

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But saying that marriage is work is not the same thing as saying that it is a chore. Marriage should not be drudgery, although there may be a few onerous elements to it. Marriage should be the kind of work that humans were meant for: meaningful work, work with a purpose that makes doing it a pleasure.

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In Pope John Paul II’s interpretation of Genesis, humans were made for work. We were meant to be creators, and cultivators. We were called to order and name things, to make sense of things, and to protect things. And because this work was purposeful, it was not drudgery. In the story of Eden, when Adam and Eve turn from God, one of the consequences is that much of their work becomes burdensome and without joy.

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In Christian teaching, sacramental Grace—first through Baptism, then through Marriage—is supposed to restore the possibility of people to find meaning in their work, especially the work of love we are called to in the sacraments of vocation.

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So if marriage seems to be too much of a chore, maybe you aren’t doing marriage right.

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Because when you do the work of marriage you aren’t out there slogging in the fields under a hot sun from dawn to dusk. You are building a life with the person you chose to love, someone you get to eat with, talk with, share your body with, and raise children with, for the rest of your life.

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Maybe the problem isn’t marriage. Maybe it’s your concept of work. Most of us imagine work in terms of toil, drudgery, exertion, effort. So when we’re told that marriage is work…well, why would we want to sign up for that?

 

Yet passionate meaningful work can involve zeal and diligence, compassion, patience, understanding, play and laughter, compromise, and love.

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Maybe you need to take some time to meditate on the meaning of marriage, and to ask what passions—pride, envy, wrath, avarice, gluttony, lust—are getting in the way of your capacity for joy.

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Practical advice

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What can we do if our marriage is burdened by sloth? Here are a few practical suggestions:

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1) Write a Mission Statement. The way out of sloth is a sense of mission.  What is your mission for your marriage? Many marriage counselors recommend couples draw up a mission statement that clearly articulates the purpose of their marriage. But it isn’t enough to create a mission statement; you need to be able to act on it.

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• Step One: What is the mission? There are two parts to this. Begin by asking what kind of spouse God is calling you to be in your marriage. Then, ask yourself how that should be expressed in action. Dorothy Day recommends drawing your mission from the fundamental goals of the church when she says:
  
  Everything a baptized person does should be in some way directed toward the corporal or spiritual acts of mercy.
  
  Are you feeding your spouse (body and soul)? Are you counseling and comforting her? Are you bearing wrongs patiently? Are you praying for him?

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• Step Two: Actualize Your Mission. Now ask yourself what you can do over a set period of time—the next week, for example, or over the next month, or even the next six months—to get closer to your goal. These steps should be concrete, and measurable; that is, you should be able to see whether or not you are making progress.

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• Step Three: Share the Mission. One way to ensure you move forward on your mission is to find another person to share your mission goals with, and with whom to report on your progress. Even the most slothful person tends to stay on task when there is someone expecting to hear from them about their progress.

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2) Learn to Value Time. As explained above, slothful people often have a distorted sense of time. Yet how we use time is one of the most important aspects of diligence. Slothful people can change their habits in part by changing the way they use time.

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The most important first step is putting aside the Lord’s Day, making it a day for family. Since sloth is often accompanied by the feeling of being overwhelmed, make this a day to meditate on priorities and accomplishments. Since we cannot do everything, we need to come to an understanding of our goals and our limitations, and to prioritize those elements that are central to our mission as husbands and wives and parents. 

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As well, we need to recognize that all progress proceeds by many steps, recognize and appreciate our small accomplishments and steps forward, and to forgive ourselves for not being further along—while recommitting to our central purpose.

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The next step is to evaluate how you are using your time. For one week, keep a record of what you do every fifteen minutes.

 

How many of the week’s 168 hours do you use for sleep, meals, work, study, rest, entertainment, and conversation? Above all, how much of your time do you spend on your marriage and your family? When you examine how much time you actually spend with your spouse, and on family activities, you will become more attuned to your need to order your days more wisely.

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The third step involves taking the time to identify priorities, and schedule your days to match. Such a schedule serves two purposes:

• on the one hand, it keeps us on task and helps us avoid wasting our time;

• on the other hand, the schedule will make sure that we make time for prayer, reading to the kids, writing a love note, or other priorities that might otherwise get shoved aside for more “urgent” tasks.

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3) Fake it ‘til you make it. For those who wake up every day to a purpose-filled life, there may be no need for reminders and lists, and schedules. They work toward their goals naturally and imaginatively. For the slothful, however, purpose is a void in their lives and they need all the tools they can get to practice diligence and fulfill their missions while growing into a sense of purpose and zeal.

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Here are a few steps one can take on that path.

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• Schedule acts of love and appreciation. The secret to a happy marriage can be one or two small things done every day, according to Dr. John Gottman. While this may come naturally to many lovers, slothful spouses find it difficult, maybe impossible, without working at it diligently. At the beginning of every day, as you are making out the to-do list for your busy day, write down one act of kindness you can do for your spouse. But don’t let yourself get into a rut—make it something different every day. Be creative. If you run out of ideas, explore using the Internet or ask an AI to generate some ideas.

• Practice active listening. Slothful spouses may hear what their spouses say to them, but they often aren’t listening. Practice active listening by telling your spouse what you heard them say to you. Try to concentrate on their emotions: "you feel irritated because I ate the rest of the cake without asking if anyone else wanted it.” Let your spouse correct you, or rephrase their statements until it's clear they’ve been heard.

• Make a list of compliments. Stay away from static compliments that define your spouse—“you are so beautiful,” or “you are so smart.” Instead, focus on specific things your spouse has said or done, and what they mean to you. “Last night, at the children’s piano recital, I realized how much work you put into helping the kids achieve their dreams. I wanted you to know that I recognize what a great parent you are, and appreciate how hard you work for this family.” 
  
  Set reminders to pay your spouse at least one compliment a day. But make them at different times and in different ways. Take her in your arms and tell her why you love her. Slip a love note onto his pillow. Give her a flower with a note attached by ribbon. Send him a card in the mail. Write it on her screensaver.  And don’t forget to keep adding to your list.

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• Plan dates. Plan at least one night out a month. But don’t stop there. Invite your spouse to spend time with you, and set times to come together in smaller activities you both enjoy—crossword puzzles, long walks, bowling, stargazing. Steer away from passive entertainment like movies or television shows unless you also schedule time to talk about them afterward, over coffee or dessert (one technique is to discuss relationships in the film. Which is most like yours? Which is least like yours? How well do the couples communicate? Do they do anything that you could learn from?).

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Planning, scheduling and practicing these actions may feel unnatural, lacking in the spontaneity and authenticity we associate with love and romance. But spontaneity and authenticity are probably too much to expect from the slothful spouse initially. Slothful spouses may feel love for their partners but love isn’t about feelings, it’s about actions. Planning, organizing and scheduling are ways to move from inaction to action as a first step toward a more authentic relationship.

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Additional Resources:

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• Pope John Paul II 1998. Dies Domini

• Josef Pieper. 1948. Leisure, the Basis of Culture  (Angelus Press)

• Dave Durand. 2000. Perpetual Motivation: How to Light Your Fire and Keep It Burning in Your Career and in Life (Crossroads Press)

• Dave Durand. 2002. Time Management for Catholics (Crossroads Press).

• Matthew Kelly. 2004. The Rhythm of Life. (Touchstone)

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Prayer:

In the Eastern rites, people pray the prayer of St. Ephraim during Lent:

 

O Lord and Master of my life,

dispel from me the spirit of slothfulness, discouragement, ambition, and vain talk.

But rather grant to me, your servant,

the spirit of purity and humility, patience, and love.

O Lord and Master, make me aware of my own faults, and not those of others,

for you are blessed, now and forever

O God be merciful to me a sinner, and have pity on me.

Amen.